PERFORMATIVE TEXT: Archives of shit : Abdul Aziz Ali : Clearinghouse of emotion : hate

<sticky>
yeah your time is almost up, like how youve always kept repeating to others and yourself to get attention. better snuff yourself real soon before your eventual time comes up.. do yourself a favour, and overdose on your precious meth addiction, jump off your dramatic balcony, slash your stupid beautiful face, fulfill your untypical inescapable character typology.

kill

your

self

such a fucking wanabee age of 27 is gonna pass you by soon, better do it before you miss the chance to your much sought after stardom, everyone your dog white master will be mourning aching loving you every moment after your eventual demise, FOREVER. thats what you want right? and you will be with her forever after your liberation from your spineless body, to be loved by all, to be loved by your womanizing father and your overly critical mother to transcend parental physical chemical societal boundaries, to be free to be free!

free

your

self

and

crush

your

stupid

skull

</sticky>

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<sticky>
from before, very valid, hence sticky:

i think the absolute last straw was when she called me at the office after new years(to wish me happy new year? hah fuckoff), complaining about her white master/dog bitch, that her white master/bitch actually slept with some boy when she and her white master/bitch were 'together'. a week or so after that, jk tells me she and her white master/bitch got back 'together' during new years (or earlier), (who knows(?) everything's so free form avantgarde etc, right? knowing something for sure, black and white is so passe, correct?) so the thing is, why even complain to me about your white master/stupid bitch now that youve gotten back together with her? sheesh stupid. comfort, 'comfort to pick and choose'. literally. to know that i still care for you? which you know i did, if not why would i still accept and keep your meaningless gifts then? heh. absolute poison, never believed it, as fi said it, but a person like her is absolute poison. if certainty or 'black and white' as you put it is so deplorable (my words), why even question the right of your white master/bitch to fuck someone else when you and your white master/bitch were 'together'? if anything your 'together'ness with her was as meaningless and ephemeral and weightless as it was with me, sitting on the fence, so if you fucked someone else, why cant she fuck someone else? possibly even that night when i made you cum by fingering you, you were already 'together' (again) with her, who knows. heh. bile bile bile. ;)

when i think about it over and over, person like her should just be better off dead, even after my heart rending email to her long ago(post breakup) against her 'suicide' or whatever attention seeking pleas for help or whatever. and if it was by her own hand or some random indian macha in front of her apartment, it wouldnt matter. but of course, this is just my anger (now somehow returned again). and if she wants to return as some ghost as stated in her email long ago, then so be it, if shes so desperate for attention, even in the afterlife*, so be it. heh. karma my ass.

to add:

why did she leave a message underneath my door that friday night the week of 'the breakup'? because she thought azmyl was a girl, a stranger girl who i ran away with in the night away from her slut face. talk about simplisticly 'playing hard to get', she is an unfortunately easy to manipulate slut/self-plaything notwithstanding her lack of ability to understand/accept understanding herself. (which is to say her white master potentially plays that game all the time)

why did she spend the night with me that one night (ever) after 'the breakup'? because she saw a picture of her whiter master/bitch with someone else. heh. (and why did i accept her? because i am/was a stupid dog, and i let myself be)

why could she never explain herself fully, stuttering even, when trying to talk to me about 'me and her white master/dog' after urbanscapes when complaining about jonny etc? fear. evasiveness, fear to blankly see the truth in the eye. i never could understand it then, i took it that she so wanted so much to still have her white master in her life as a friend even when she was with me. why did i never confront her? because i never saw being friends was a problem. because i was blinded. because i blinded myself wit the thought of fake love that she offered.

why did she answer 'im not going to answer that' the first time i asked her 'do you love her?' on 19/20th april 2008 when we were trying to talk it out, on my matress, when i was trying to see where i stood, where i was with her? lifetime of evasiveness. fear. fear for honesty. lifetime of deceit.

why did she bring her white master to my house that night? a stupid slave always brings her master around everywhere to help her lick her saliva off her face. also, she wanted me and her white master to square off. she wanted to see some physical confrontation/violence.

why all the hollow dramatic protests like 'ill never be with anyone ever again!', 'ive never felt so sad in my whole life', 'i knew we could never be together', when the truth is you know youll be doing whatever exact same thing youd still be doing (begging your white slave to clean the crack between your skinny legs etc)? it is because you are trying/wanting to liken your life to the movies, to drama, to some great fantasy, an inability to appreciate simpleness and mundanity in existence.

why will she continue on being how she is? a lifetime of lying to herself. repressed familial/nurture/drug/... problems/issues, daddy, parent issues, religious issues etc etc. and it is the same with the historicity of a nation. you cant change corruption in a political body without changing the body and the mind, it is so embedded. as is with myself, my anger will always persist. it is possible though to lessen corruption as it is posisble to lessen debilitating anger/hate/....

ah bile bile bile ;)

ive found the title of the 'final' comic. it is "does it (really) matter (anymore|ever) (?)". however i havent even started on 'devil is in the details'. but when i think about it, it is parallel to the comic i am/was doing with wolf, only a cleansing, not very artful, cringey even, ugly too, the ugliness of emotions, personal emotions and personal history which do not apply to a readership aside from the writer's and the 'asian slave with her white master'. but it subscribes to the idea of private made public, deflecting/diluting/destroying/... the emotional potency of a (fake) myopic history.

given all the water of a broken dam, the poison does not kill anymore.

</sticky>

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its great to know and realize that nobody thinks about it aside from myself, me stuck in my bitterness and hate and solipsism and intellectual emotional egotional logical selfrighteous conceit. to know that my hate is freestanding and true and independant of cause and reasons.

hate and bitterness as ideal and altruistic as love.

</sticky>

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best line...

"if your heart shrinks when you see her with somebody else
go and run to him hes a dog like all of them
comfort you pick and choose
your comfort, to pick and choose"

'the only one that matters'
yourself
yourself
the only one that matters to you is yourself

if your heart shrinks when you see her with somebody else
go and run to him hes a dog like all of them
comfort you pick and choose
your comfort, to pick and choose

your love will never belong to anyone
absolutely none of their hearts will find home in you
only you can complete yourself
so proud only you will complete yourself

yourself
yourself
the only one that matters to you is yourself

the only one that matters to you

<bridge>

avow them both all your love cuz your love is free
increase your options not choose get your pockets deepened
get them chasing after you
love them chasing after you

feed them lies mask the truth ignorance is bliss
your true love need not know who else you have kissed
selective truth just like the news
your truth handpicked just for you

yourself
yourself
the only one that matters to you is yourself

youve never need-ed
you dont need love
never needed anyone and
none of their feelings considered but your own
do what freely you want
and the world is you and it feels what you do
<bridge outro>

now the only one that matters to me is me and its sad

</sticky>

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the clearing house (supergripah)

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misery amuses me. image disgusts repulses me. disgust revulsion amuses me further.

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Most Dangerous Words

<Chorus>
The most dangerous words in the world
The deadliest arrangements of an idea ever to be spoken
The most dangerous words in the world
A world with easy words for just anyone to learn

<Verse>
Know language,
Speak it
Know words, meanings
Mean it

Act it
Or you will die
Like thousands and millions have
You will kill
Like thousands and millions have

<Chorus>
The most dangerous words in the world
The deadliest arrangements of an idea ever to be spoken
The most dangerous words in the world
A world with easy words for just anyone to learn

I l*ve ...
How easy it is
To kill and die
These words your knife

How easy it is
To kill and die
These words your knife

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Shit

<Verse>
Thanks for the memories,...
Of shit
You gave to me
Thanks for the memories of shit

Thanks for the memories of shit

Theyre stuck in my eyes
They smear wherever i walk

They colour whatever i talk

Thanks for the memories of shit

Memories that fold upon themselves by knowing

Of those days that im happy being with you

I now know

<Verse>
Thanks for the memories,...
Of shit
You gave to me
Thanks for the memories of shit

Thanks for the memories of shit

Theyre stuck in my eyes
They smear wherever i walk

They colour whatever i talk

Thanks for the memories of shit

Memories that fold upon themselves by knowing

Of those days that im happy being with you

I now know

<Verse>
Thanks for the memories,...
Of shit
You gave to me
Thanks for the memories of shit

Thanks for the memories of shit

Theyre stuck in my eyes
They smear wherever i walk

They colour whatever i talk

Thanks for the memories of shit

Memories that fold upon themselves by knowing

Of those days that im happy being with you

I now know

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Dead Bodies in My Car

<Verse>
Yes, you look so wonderful tonight
Now that you are dead
Though i keep on worrying about myself
I am consoled that you are safe
Had cut off your pretty fingers
Had pulled out your perfect teeth
Sat you nicely dressed in flies beside me
Give the other one room to breathe

<Bridge>
Mind meets madness
Steel meets flesh
Life meets death
Rubber meets road

<Chorus>
The road goes on forever
But destination is not far
You look more beautiful than ever
Your dead body in my car

<Verse>
Passing by a roadblock,
They look at me and let me go
I look at you so nonchalant beside me
Im a good guy after all

<Bridge>
Mind meets madness
Steel meets flesh
Life meets death
Rubber meets road

<Chorus>
The road goes on forever
But destination is not far
We will meet fate at the end,
You me and my car,
On this road that goes forever
The destination is not far
You look more beautiful than ever
Your dead body in my car
Dead bodies in my car
Dead bodies in my car
Dead bodies in my car
Dead bodies in my car

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finally DONE!

Untitled/Real Love/Real Honest Love/Sex Workers song
<Verse>
Gimme your working ladies over the real whores,
Honest sex workers have what real life cheating sluts dont
Professional in intimacy
No question in motives, no four letter superlatives

<Chrous>
Dont lie to the Agung
Dont lie to the Queen
Dont lie to the President
Cause this is indeed

Honest sex for money
Those waiting working ladies
Isnt truth in the movies
This isnt romance

<Verse>
Dont need to wait for the real lies from the real girls
My love and devotion can only be for, honest sex workers
Is it a blessing or a curse
That the love and life i live will only be..

<Chorus>
For honest sex workers
Those waiting working ladies
This isnt truth in the movies
This isnt romance

And this is the truth
And this is real
Money can buy me an honest fuck
Love not needing lies nor luck

Dont lie to the Agung
Dont lie to the Queen
Dont lie to the President
Cause this is indeed

Honest sex for money
Those waiting working ladies
Isnt truth in the movies
This isnt romance

Devotingly came to love her
Lovingly came inside her
Gave her the money that she needs
Straightforward relationship from honesty
and money!

You are my jesus she said
Resplendant crucified on the bed
And after my load was spent
I become a man

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11:23 PM 11/19/2009
i spit in your face
i spit in your masters face
i imagine it, i see it
its satisfying

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'a smug smirk'

heh. i can never run out of instances of destroying that slut and her dog,.. heh. i relish the idea, of obsessively destroying that meatslagslutshitfuckdrugaddledbones in my mind over and over and over. heh. i relish the idea, and the act (which is imaginary to say the least) empowers me with the hate i need and breed and singularly capable of. i relish it, i love it. heh. smirk. what else to add? ahhhhhhhh... life is good. :D obsessive destructive hate doesnt destroy me to say the least, heh. she has become a god. haha. a self abusive god. the hate that we channel is only reverence that she wills and desires from all her adorers.... mmmm, life... life of hate is normalizing, is calming, is good... running and running and running on the treadmill running and running and running on the treadmill running and running and running on the treadmill running and running and running on the treadmill running and running and running on the treadmill...

vivid imageries

oh haha, totally forgot the real impetus to write, what crawled up from the recesses was: (to paraphrase from hateful memory)

shefah shitface: Why would you kill yourself? I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

grace chin shit yin: ... you know shefah, i would leave you in three months,...

</paraphrase>

(or whatever)

hahah, run after her run after the one who desperately wishes to be chased and adored

etc etc,.. of course all this dialogue is totally delusional and absolute slander even though it was her telling me all this over messenger oh so many moons of nightmares before,... hahah

on the treadmill, on the treadmill, on the treadmill, on the treadmill, on the treadmill, on the treadmill,how many fucking ways can i find to destroy castigate defame the shitslut i will and will continue doing it because im a psychoshit, muahaha, hate is comforting, more comforting that a warm sticky fuckhole filled with soapysoapy dna

placating comforting hate, ahhh...

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sluts live, and sluts die. not much else to it

psychos live and psychos die

;)

"its good to know. and to reread. and to retraverse these same lines."

history serves a purpose, always learn from the past

i forced myself to think of you yesterday, of a `you and me together then`, in the images i saw all of your master transplanted behind, around, inside, in front of you, singularity. of a `together then` only gave me revulsion. of a `you in your masters arm` gave me a smug smirk

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finally: closed my google analytics account along with removing the javascript from this page

not without browsing the stats from the months i managed to not obsess/look at the stats. looked at some of the top searches that led to my page. 'grace chin suyin', '"grace chin su yin"', a lot of song lyrics with 'slut', 'hate', 'emotion' and permutations 'slutoid', 'drugslut', hahah. im rolling in that ad money now!

new song since the last SOL (which might be for BB instead of SCAM)

Untitled
Im a bitter man,
In your mouth,
But you swallow anyway,
You swallow anyway

What we had was short and sweet
Not unlike my dick,
Except for the sweet part,
Which is how you prefer it.....

Cuz Im a bitter man,
In your mouth,..
But you swallow anyway,
You swallow anyway

Sweet nothings we breathed into the night,
Proved to be nothing,
Like the emptiness in your salt mines,
Which only has my spunk inside,

Your salty bitch will be between your thighs again,
And this i never doubted,
And she will taste this bitter man,
She better like it

Im a bitter man,
In your mouth,..
But you swallow anyway,
You swallow anyway

Your sweet lies will become my sweet revenge
One that i will take to the bitter end

Im a bitter man

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finally did one of the things for the program of furthering my vanity yesterday
went to a fengshui place in times square and got my facial moles (all seven!) removed
(but still have to wait a week for them o fall off.. ah well)

an interesting nugget by the daughter of the feng shui mistress, paraphrased..
"this one(or these three moles) under your eye says that in love, it will be easy for third party to intervene/masuk campur"
thought to myself out loud: "how true!"

hahah. it was my fault all along then, or my moles' fault. it was never her or her dog's fault, it was ALL MY FAULT. hahah!
never again,... that im finally getting rid of these moles...

hahah. such a simple superstitious dimwit i am ;)

patut lah. these modern progressive super open minded promiscuous freeloving types really deserve each other. traditional, close minded, superstitious dimfuck like oneself my own memang deserved all that he got...

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had intended to log this yesterday, but was circumvented by chatting with ms fi.

was heating up ketupat and serondeng in the pantry, while waiting, through the wall i hear sales colleague telling ceo pa sthg along the lines of '<shitfacecuntname>, shes a producer... <s h i t f a c e c u n t n a m e>... bla bla she is bla bla'. heh, that riled me up, even though the sluts name doesnt evoke any feelings (because i associate her identity* with her self* and her acts*, not her name) her significant udder shitfahname easily got my mind on the treadmill, running and running in and endless cycle, like the rotating microwave.

this is new (unfinished) from yesterday (another slow countryish dirge)

Untitled
<Verse>
Dont you say youre sorry,
when youre not
And dont you cry those tears,
when youre the one whose got,
The many loves waiting for her on the side,..
....(unfinished)

<Chorus>
Country tears,
City eyes,
Young heart
Old lies
Didnt you want a life thats true
Or did you intend to be split into,
two?
Country tears,
City eyes,
A full lovelife
Empty heart
Didnt you want a life thats true
Or did you intend to be split into,
so many useless pieces of a ...(unfinished)

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its good to know. and to reread. and to retraverse these same lines. and to think these past words suggested my ever having any desire for closeness with a useless piece of meat. it is good to know the mere thought of it reflected in the words which are now forever repulses disgusts me, the very idea. the very idea. i am better. but i cling to my hate. i love it. i love my anger. i love my detachment. i love the absurdity of the world. i love watching. i will die, people will die, i will live, people will live, dust begats dust. i love being able to touch and hold and know and turn and inspect the disgust i have from even knowing and thinking about ever wanting to be close to anybody (let alone give myself to somebody), especially a biological-liar, bible loving druggie daddy needy self abusing depressive piece of shit journo fuck.

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almost done... have performed it twice! (albeit fucked up)

Ohh Joyy

Ohhhh joy! (oh joyyyy)
Crying is your only joy...
Oh joyy, ohh joyyyy, oh joyy
Crying is your only joy...

Do not want to know, Do not want to see,
How sweet the sound of tears you cry to comfort you to sleep,
The only thing you know, and the only thing you crave,
Like the song you hurt yourself to know that you still live

Ohhhh joy! (oh joyyyy)
Crying is your only joy...
Oh joyy, ohh joyyyy, oh joyy
Crying is your only joy...

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saw a chinese girl who looked like your slut shitfahce whien walking out to makan. rosy cheeks, square face, cool demeanour, inaccessible, oh beauty! oh! immediately she became a slut. immediately felt like punching her stupid shitface in. mangle your and her entire stupid lives. snort. heh. here's to hate. *clink*

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desire and emotions:

its a generation that grew out of conservativeness, prudishness and generational hierarchical control (social, religious, etc) that wants so much and even unlimited freedom to do whatever they want, to do whatever their hearts and desires tell them to, because to do so is to be truthful to yourself, and truth IS beauty, irregardless of the consequences. hence you have these supposed 'freesouls', 'libertarians', 'avantgardists', 'champions of liberty', slaves of emotions, slaves of their own wickedness. free yourself, love everyone! it is statistically probable and achievable!

the supposed libertarians who grew out of constrained households and strangling religious parents who value their supposed true selves true feelings true emotions

slave of your own wicked freedom seeking truth loving beauty addicted desires.

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no amount of happiness (real and or fake) is worth being lied to and being made a dog of.

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paraphrased from chat w fi. (emphasis mine) (with apolgies to fi because im obviously biasing the paraphrase through my own myopic lens)(and making this 'public' (of course))

me: why do you even have to look at his twitter? why abuse yourself?

fi: ive already subscribed to it. what if he finds out i unsubscribed? i dont want to seem cruel.

me: why would i abuse myself and look at the slut's blog and her countless possible online personas and presence? why would i abuse myself? i dont want to abuse myself. you shouldnt abuse yourself!

</paraphrase>

fi: and he called me recently and said that he dreamt about me and he wants to be friends, what does he want from me?!?!?, he doesnt want a relationship yet he still tells me he cares?!? huh?!?

me: muahaha. just like the slut SHES ALREADY GOT HER HAPPINESS THEN AND WHY DOES SHE STILL WANT TO KEEP HER USELESS SMALL CRUTCH AROUND?!? TELL HER CRUTCH HOW MUCH SHE MISSES HER CRUTCH?!? MAKE HERSELF FEEL BETTER HUH? RIGHT ??! MAKE HERSELF TO BE THE GOOD GUY?!? MUAHAHA. sheesh. stupid selfish people. your F is just like that unfortunately. selfish fuck.

</paraphrase>

well a lot of embellishment there in the paraphrase. (and of course i commit the sin of transforming/relating everyones misery into/to my own misery/obsession(al hate))

1. people will be stupid and selfish (a redundant assertion i am reiterating for spittle (or cts) reasons)

2. seeming cruel as opposed to being truthful about intentions. this behaviour easily applies to the slut and its more of your flighty notion of an image of yourself rather than not wanting to be cruel to others. one only wants to give a soft image, a projected nice image to others to fulfill ones flighty notions/image of oneself. it doesnt matter if people do get hurt from the possible leak of cruelty(?)/when the truth comes out later, as long as the image/status quo is retained. (yes fi this is you too)

3. dont abuse yourself. yet im still doing it to myself, no not by visting her blogs etc etc etc etc etc (which i have managed to abstain from doing (pat pat myself)) but by still writing here etc. and now that ive restarted on the songs again, the unending feeling of hate and bitterness rouses again, but for good reason i suppose, nothing can fuel my work better than hate. and the song list about her has not been increasing*+, so thats good. but the flipside unfortunately is me who does take the stout stance of supposed 'brutal honesty' irregardless of possibility of hurt. (but no to contradict myself, in my last job and even now, im still taking the 'soft' stance to maintain civility in the workplace (or rather others might argue its just my passive aggressive nature, hah! ))

* except for finding the chorus/melody of a song titled 'everything is forgotten, nothing is rectified' which has been sitting in the list for a long while. verse not defined yet. ive decided to rename it to its actual reference, 'The Joke'. im still concerned that its quite a boring melody, ah shrugs will see after i finish the verse. its amazing how i can diffract one small piece of shit shred of useless humanity into 3 disks worth of songs.

+and 'Congratulations'#, 'Snake Eating Tail', 'Ohh Joyy', 'Cybersex', 'Memories of Shit', 'The Most Dangerous Words', 'Fritzl', and final will be '2201'. also potentially have to address somewhere the incommensurate amount of '"punishment"' im dishing out compared to the actual degree of fault which was supposedly miniscule and accepted in todays society. maybe Snake Eating Tail maybe Congrats maybe Memories of Shit.

#but actually this is about/spurred on by hwang and the brainless gwailo chick he scored at terminals. (sorry hwang;) ) . Yet ive been thinking maybe i should use 'Congrats' verse in 'The Score'...... hmm

The Joke

<chorus>
Everything is forgotten,
Yet the broken past never forgives and stays broken,
Everything is forgotten,
Yet the broken past never forgives and stays broken,
Everything is forgotten,
Yet the broken past never forgives and stays broken,
Everything is forgotten,
Yet the broken past never forgives

<bridge>
never forgives
never forgives
never forgives
never forgives

<verse>
Forgiveness is....
....
...everything

<bridge>
forget everything
forget everything
forget everything
forget everything

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the birds look out for me. they have eaten all the breadcrumbs.

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senang je. i see a guy with a nick **_cariawekcina_pantatbesar on a local sex channel on irc. i query him, "call nih, 0192101276. nama dier grace. rakus seks. cakap ko ader syabu. memang gerenti ko dapat fuck dier kau kau. aku x tipu dier mmg ketagih dadah dan seks. tapi jaga2 dier ketagih-suka menipu dan berdusta kat orang, jangan caya ape dier cakap. ko lanyak lah dier kau kau. dier suka kalau ko bakar badan dier dengan puntung rokok sampoerna lights. ko belilah sekotak nnt."

cheap shots no? haha. things in my life i will do. sampai aku puas hati. sampai ko mati. sampai kepala hotak ko terburai. sampai a ku pu as ha ti.

irc(mamak & the like) makes me feel old again, and rouses my self contempt. heh, i love it. earlier couldnt find out how to remove the google analytics from my account. it will happen soon.

OH HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AND FUCKING CONGRATS MUAHAHAHA DRUGSLUT! YOU ARE INDEED A PLAYAH

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Now that ive secured a producer and manager, im (re)starting on the songs again. Mamma Said, Birds of a Feather, Broken Escalator Empty Mall, Nobody Knows, What I Learned from the Cat, Memories of Shit, Cybersex. Congratulations & Snake Eating Tail might not be in that countryish mode at all. and 2201 will be another one of those i need to really sit down and stare the shit in the face. Bible Girl Rebel and Sex Workers i really dont know how to proceed, bluergh.....

First recording this week, but also need to retrieve my old recordings from Handri,... ah work work...

and this, almost complete. needs a second verse. its not too midtempo like all the others.......

Greatest Favour

<verse>
Keep reminding yourself
Your time is running out
Get Love and Sympathy
Telling others your sadness and your doubts
Try to hide the truth
As a favour, to others happiness
But dont forget the Greatest Favour to yourself..

<chorus>
Do yourself a favour
And Kill Yourself
Do yourself a favour
And Kill Yourself

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new song, country-ish?

Congratulations / Wow Youre a Player

C
any small loser can fuck a slut
G D G
dont need money, dont need luck
C
only difference she has from the lowest class whore
G D G C
dont need to pay money and you can cum in her hole

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i dreamed you dead, but i could not recall it, in all the hours that ate into my life, of sleep that was not sleep, i killed you over and over again and conveniently forgot everything the minute that i finally dragged myself to work. 'you were never alive so i could not kill you' the countless theys chorused that cliche. women bu ming pai. 'not to be lost because you were not to be had' another mindless chorus. eternal as it were, eternal death. twenty two oh-one. spiralling around you endlessly the center of the universe. heh. laughing at myself. laughing at stupidity.

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i see a car accident that just occured some few seconds ago. a myvi smashed into a flyover pillar at a traffic light. i make a uturn and drive over to see the survivors. the number plate familiar. i know whose car it is. i see her in the passenger seat and her fucking slut in the driver's seat. their respective heads smashed bloodied open. peeling, dripping. nobody is around in the middle of the night. its a magnificent sight. i get up close to hear the soft murmurings, still breathing. decide to get into my car, reverse some 20 meters, set the car in neutral, rev like crazy, go into first, second, third, fourth and i make cacophonous contact with the side of her car smashing further into her slut, and i keep revving, pushing the car further down to the side road. from afar i hear some random midgnight racer booming, it hits the back of her car. a nice metallic splinterry disaster follows. magnificent. steel, glass, blood, skin, bones, grey matter. i reverse some more to ram into her car a second round, not heeding the third party fengtau racer. the guy gets out from his car and runs for cover as i ram into her drivers side yet again. its great. i step out from my now fucked up car and drag her sluts body to the front of her car on the engine get back into my car, turn around and smash into the front. the chinese guy looks aghast. i relish every moment. i leave my car and the engine starts ablaze. i run down the road heading towards home. will take me about 40 mins walk to reach home. 10mins in, regretted not making sure that she died, but then i think id prefer having them not dead, better for them to suffer a disabled life of their own shit.

------

gan is correct. i am the only one whose stuck in his reality. i am was never in her life. i relish the idea. 'for all you know, you are completely out of their lives, they dont think about you anymore'(i would think ever). which i know and accept. having that, and laughing at myself for the ridiculousness and absurdity of what i let myself be involved in.

its preposterous to think that that murderous couple who were sentenced to hang a few days ago never had an inkling that they would get their commeupence. that doing what they did they would never get punished for it. why cry to your mother to ask her to save you because you have murdered somebody? everyone will get their just desserts in life. its disturbingly fascinating however to see or imagine a young lady get hung, but of course i would imagine her in her middle class (bangsar) attire? whereas she would potentially be quite dischevelled like maybe dancer in the dark.

and to think the slut didnt foresee what would happen doing and being whatever she was and whatever she did. people dont think really. its just that, people dont think. but yes, the rational discernment here is that the stupid sluts actions cannot be comparable to a murderous girl. though in intensity or values it is definitely far removed from murder in concept it is equal, supposedly truth to yourself, fulfilling your instincts and finally paying for your indulgence and your heedlessness.it is fascinating to wait and to see an indulgent slut just finally destroy herself with drugs and emotional stupidity (and yes i would potentially destroy myself with emotional stupidity too) it s interesting to see what will happen further down the line, though of course, i will never know.

------

laughing at myself. (more and more now) heheh. at the magnificent stupidity i let myself exhibit and inhabit. the more i think about it the more ludicrous the whole episode was, how a stupid druggie slut managed to occlude my reason and logic, heh as they say 'such is LURVVV' kehkeh. ah well, as it is in a few more months i will be laughing at myself still thinking in retrospect how much i (now) saw (then) and made the episode to be ludicrous and absurd, as they say 'such is TIMMMMEEE,.. the healer of ALLL WOOONDS..' kehkeh. <shake head>. yes, as the tp practice went,.. 'look inside and shake our heads..' or look outside and shake our heads.. lessons learnt, reaffirmation of the necessity of steadfastness/rigidity/vigilance of/for personal values, reaffirmation of disgust and distaste towards stupid people, heh. (which was myself, heh)

hmm was there another thread of thought? random words (or tag clouds as they call it now), stupidity, absurd fantasy, self blinding

heh. think to myself, laugh at myself, absurd. shake my head.

------

im lazy, so lets bitch and whine about the slut again just for fun. bla bla bla. oh yeah, now i remember, steve martin, michael caine and glenn heady(?) star in a movie about the two men being swindlers or more specifically womanizers - players. etc etc ect bla bla bla. And their final target, a Ms. Colgate (Heady) who in the end avows she doesnt reallly have all that much money to which Martin's character proposes they compete over who manages to bed her first (feeling of disgust here, haha). Caine's character of course being european wishes to leave her well alone because he is taken over by her scintillatingly bright moral beacon of a heart in a world lost to swindlers and immoral loose easy slutoid broads. of course, in the end it turns out that Heady's character herself is the biggest of the swindler among the three of them and manages to swindle Caine of 50K and leaving him with a bag full of Martin's stinky clothes. she unveiled her chotaitti two quads at the absolute last second, a feat that left Caine's character sighing onto the azure expanse of Beaumont sur Mer. absolute smarts from the beginning to absolutely trump two mysogynists. so of course the thought to myself then when i was supposed to be doing curls then was 'too bad slutface skeletonshit grace chin shit yin isnt as smart as heady's character, at least i wouldve applauded her for her smartness'. instead her entire PlayA stratagemic lies were based on stupidity and bungling (and head fuckedup full of drugs and cigarettebutt burn endorphins).

hah! kehkeh.

------

control over the mind/feelings/heart/chemical murmurs/contingent will/.... acknowledging that feelings are not you but just a part of you. whether happiness, sadness, anger, desire, resentment, urgency, etc. markers that tell your body that there is something happening, yet one can always work *against* them, *against your true (heh) self*. there is no true self. one is what one makes, and to acknowledge that feelings and the mind itself do not constitute the 'real self' one should be able to empower oneself with self control, with vigilance. not necessarily avoiding those feelings, but understanding those feelings and knowing that those feelings themselves can be *deceitful*. why do i need to feel sad about anything? after dissembling an event causing a particular feeling (happiness, sadness, etc) one realizes that in effect it can and will be or was meaningless (unless it led to/benefitted more things, or so i tell myself)

destroying the mystery.

unveiling the sociopath.

one who is devoid of emotions need not be in anyway malignant. one just has to be truthful to oneself and vigilant with one's values. why did joe jackson utilize his son's death for his business? he realizes that the emotions dont really entail anything, you will feel sad and it will end. that is why YOU cried and cried and cried to further your own agenda, just as it is that joe jackson did not find that spending emotions on his son's death to be beneficial, you found that spending emotions on your own fault to be quite beneficial to your image of yourself to yourself and others (including me).

more and more now im feeling better. im seeing the immediate future, 2010, 2011 etc. it is a rational life. im feeling more controlled more analytical more distant about the self-abuse, of my constantweekly whoringwenching, anger, obsession, lamentsadness, that ive been obsessively inflicting upon myself. but the anger i still hold is a choice, once reactionary now actionary.

the hatred and resentment i hold for homos/lgbts (hatred, not homophobia/lgbtphobia) is another good example of reactionary feeling which ive cemented into a rational hate/distaste/.... i can feel the hatred, i can look at the feeling of hatred, i can hold the hatred, see where it came from, turn it around, zoom in, zoom out, feel the texture. and i realize yet another layer of feeling around that, smugness and pride, rational conceit. layer that forms to 'protect the real* me in the clouds from the actual feeling itself burning in the body i inhabit.

now i will never understand people who Proclaim that they can and want to be friends with Everyone in the world. Ive never seen myself to be a lover friend of the world, hence i suppose i am on the 'wrong side of history'. i am a destroyer, not a lover. this is the self i had left many years ago, the fiercely self-analytical vigilant self, all too ready to debunk my own inclinations. i find you again, myself.

hmm yes. life is like this

tshirt idea: IM NOT HOMO/LGBTPHOBIC! I JUST HATE HOMOS+LGBTS!

still about 15 more unfinished songs, bluergh....

thoughts about jk: "i want to sleep with many beautiful people". "i want to sleep with stars". i can see the disgust now, its quite clear, i can hold it like the hate i have for the slut. Analysis: 1. your desire for pretty baubles not of the prettiness of the bauble itself but the fact that there is a label/cultural acceptance/shrinkwrap/... of Stardom associated with said said persons, hence you lower yourself to want to swallow their spunk or 'to "love" the stars' etc etc. I perhaps am too proud and not too starstruck enough to care about 'sleeping with stars'. Its the same disease she is afflicted with, disease of the starryeyed hedonist. well, at least you are honest/quite clear about it, though that doesnt lessen my disgust (because the disgust i feel is heightened from an understanding of the direct comparison of your and her nature*). not everyone wants to 'sleep with stars' i dont actually even see people as a demarcation of stars or not, potentially directly because i live in a hole, devoid of entertainment culture. if i "liked someone/thought she beautiful" that is reason enough, why throw yourself at some stars feet? yeesh. disgusting worldview, or vignette of worldview.

weird im glad i do have (enough) friends though, and that is an emotional vector, not a rational one. camaraderie i suppose. nuning, fiona who themselves have had emotional/relationship troubles in the past year. i salute nuning for beating up angki to a bloody pulp.

this is life (said with an emotional wrap)

i am living (a rational assertion)

one cannot really quantify/qualify *life*, an amorphous state without involving complex emotional inter-intrarelationships. and what exactly is 'this' ? 'this is life'. what is 'this', what is that of which you qualify as 'this'? and what exactly is 'life'? and how do you associate whatever it is that you point to 'this' and 'life' as an equanimity? but to assert 'i am living' is to acknowledge that things incessantly move and potentially are of a mechanistic/functional/biological/infinitedescriptionhere/... nature. and the stretch/leap of knowledge in asserting oneself ('i') compared to asserting something else ('this') is less and more bounded perhaps.

ah yes another emotional vector... obsession with writing half-quarter-truth

------

hope is what cripples. the act of continually checking on visitors stats for this mud and youtube is exactly that, stupidly needless futile hope (for what exactly i know not, (well, gan would argue and i would agree that i want her to acknowledge the wrong/rights of the past/committed/etc/.. which, yes, she never will (to which even now, i have not yet managed to acknowledge in my hearts of hearts (in my mind of minds)))). i should, should absolutely just close down the analytics account. (anologous to the decision made to close the gmail account then)

ive managed to abstain from obsessing over the stats for at least 2 weeks now or sthg. though i will keep writing here irregardless.

urbanscapes 2008. only those who have wronged will know fear of the worng that they inhabit/commit. siapa yang makan cili dialah yang merasa pedas, or sthg along those lines. why did You have fear of me being around the same time your shitfaceslut was around at urbanscapes? never quite analyzed/admitted it to yourself did you? of course of course, 'man that was one year ago, wtf'. yes yes all in the past, forgive and forget at the speed of the c-generation, as fast as one changes clothes shoes cars, divorces wives, husbands, families. of course of course, i was the cause of it all, the final schism, you were just an innocent lover of all, of course of course. grace chin su yin the deceitful slut wearing the mask of a weak and frail self-doubting ever-searching sensitive lover of humanity and life. heh.

ive managed to circumvent my own hateful feelings by exerting more control and more focus on my mind. and its the absurdity of emotional relationships and absurdity of stupid people like yourself (and yes myself) is what i realize what angers me still even when i have managed to step outside my 'emotional self'. feeling's fickleness are only second to the mind's fickleness. but once your mind is stuck in a state, whether its stupidity, selfishness, greed, hate, youll be stuck there forever. its not about doubt or being so selfrighteously sure and smug about yourself or your knowledge of things, its about choice, it still all comes down to choice. choice that is not embedded in habit, choice that is not embedded in 'natural feelings' or 'your true self', but choice marked by a cognitive process that acknowledges all those factors, feelings, 'true selves', responsibility, obligations, values like honesty or greed etc is what makes choice what it is what divides men from animals(?). hah, this is where one dissents/resents the broadstroke statement by assent, sarcasm, comic or stupid statement, to how shall you say, to further on the agenda of living life free, irresponsibly, fun, happily, fashionably, youthfully. as if wearing 'crappy-cheap' looking jewellry isnt fashionable or anti-hip establishment. (bile bile haha)

its not too hard to acknowledge the feelings and words i have now are reactionary, and neither is it too hard to acknowledge i am like this because the core of my person is a 'hateful resentful' person or 'X' person. it is the state that you are whcih makes you moo is what makes you moo. i am a 'bull'/'X'/'Y'/eponym/... hence i am like i am, hence why you a stupid cow are how you are. the only thing is even if one Can acknowledge understanding the point of views/feelings/... of others doesnt necessarily always benefit anybody , yourself or the other. being empathic or knowing acknowledging infinite povs only allows me to placate my petty hate, it is surely not for anybody elses benefit, it is only for my selfish self.

i will give myself a few more months before re-confronting your images, your words before embarking on the final work, by then, i will be in a state (hopefully) of what im continually day by day looking forward to now, cold hate.

been singing 'Really' a lot to myself. let us sing it to ourselves now. heheh.

Why keep wanting what youll never have, why keep doing the things you do. Is it really, really so bad? Was it really really so good? Why keep wanting what you never had, why keep doing things you never would... Is it really, really so bad? Was it really really so good? Why? Why ? its just, its just love! Why ! Why Its just... love Expendible, replaceable, biological, chemical! With Lust! In A Pair, Never Fair , Never Just! ITS JUST LOVE! TOO TOO MUCH LOVE IS NEVER ENOUGH, BUT ALL THAT MATTERS IS IS IM WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, right? ALWAYS ONLY BE FAITHFUL TO YOUR MOMENT, DIDNT YOUR BLINDNESS AFFORD YOU THE GREAT WARMTH OF MY LOVEEEEEE!?! ...... Why keep wanting what youll never have, why keep doing the things you do. Is it really, really so bad? Was it really really so good? Why keep wanting what you never had, why keep doing things you never would... Is it really, really so bad? Was it really really so good?

ah ventilator... back to work

to be able to see yourself do something, and understand what turn in the mind caused it to come to fore. why am i thinking this and why am i fleshing it out in text, and how am i yet, able to divide myself from the act and see myself (ah now it is lost). the analogy might be to have an anachronistic mind the present is in the past, working on the directives of the past, but the focused, meditative self that can observe the mind is observing it in small pockets of now that continually reassert themselves yes, yes yes. to be detroyed and to be remade. i might really go crazy* if i keep this up for another 6 months. or i might rerealize the real minimal life i actually sought out in my life, devoid of websites, programming languages, music making, visual making, and technology. only control and release of the mind.

ok ok mr ventilation.... programming time...

oh heh. apologies to myself yet again, new idea yesterday. hmm madoff related, but too subtle

Happy Birthday Death

150 years isnt enough
To love all of them you loved
Burn your body with cigarettes
Endless drama that you wait for
This is what you deserved
The endless sadness that you loved

yes, the sadness and feeling of hate that i let linger in me, IS self-abuse. (i revisited melancollie recently, and mr baldieboy had already expounded upon this idea in quite a few songs, but a bit too poetically to my liking)

ok ok ok. VideoControl time...

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relatively new (and unfinished). problematic because it sounds all country, i cant escape from it, now that ive gotten the chord progression in G!.

G Am G Am F A F G F D C F C Am G. Quite unsure about the chorus

Country Snake Eating Self

(verse)
I will be the only one who's left to chase his tail
I will be the only one thats left who cares
I will endlessly parade my wounds and endlessly complain
Even though i know, no things will never change

------

6:51 AM 6/22/2009
<snip>
i will imagine all the situations and scenarios in my mind, the memory, memories i have had with her, walk through the moments, from my eyes and remove myself from my first person disposesses myself start looking at myself as third person and replace myself with her slut shitface shefah. all, ALL the times i have hhad with her. the parties, at plaza damas, in my room-erasing my room and replacing it with what little i can imagine of her sluts service apt or room in jonny's condo, in her car, waiting at amcorp, singpore, klsentral, klcc, zouk, at her place, at gigs, at events, stevens corner, cheap mamak, shopping malls, petaling street, at the edge being introduced to her boss, swimming pool, mamaks w jonny & winnie, danny moving, urbanscapes, etc etc etc ad infinitum. and in places where i and her slutface are there both? how to resolve that? will just replace it/myself with some random fuckshit she has fucked before, danny, or her supposed 5 year boyfriend or some random indian macha etc.
erasure. and conflict? her w her fuckfaceslutfah trying to resolve their respective *heh*infidelities.
and i myself? i transplant myself into a void, a sleep which i have woken from
final erasure.

and by extension/through extrapolation, after her slutfah sketo, i replace hr slutface with her dannys, her partyfucks, her 5 year on off boyfriends, her peters, her drug dealer lovers, her bens, and countless whomsoevers. which absolutely has none of me in the reality at all. heh

to fill in the gaps and seams.
to iron out the inconsistencies of the times i wasnt with her and the supposed times i was with her. a more streamlined reality and memory of a stranger i practically had never encountered neither had spent any breath with.

all the time i was at home in a deep sleep dreaming of studying and jerking off.

its notable that gan points out that my hate for them both shits is mere common hate. i have yet to spend the time necessary of a man wrung by an obsessive hate. i have yet to mark out/delineate all the perverse permutations of torture i should have lined/planned out for them shitsluts. hence this hate is mere reactionary hate. i am unfortunately yet just a common fuckee. yet another one in long list of fuckee conquests the slut marks in her blackbook. heh. (to think im anything so honoured)

</snip>

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akulah manusia yang tak berperikemanusiaan. sebab kau hanyalah haiwan yang tak berdosa, tiada permikiran dan tiada tatasusila, kerja dan perasaan haiwan je yang kau tahu. kahkah. syabas syabas.

what is there in a name? and what is there to be hidden behind a name? and it is weird that when i think and hear of other graces, i do not think of that slut. her reality is narrowed down/embedded to her identity. her identity is that of a lying yet incompetent brain deficient genetically aspiring slag. shouldnt a liar at least try and accept that its intellectual prowess needs to be a particular threshold before commiting to complex social human function like lying? most people lie out of stupidity i suppose, because they are unaware of their limitations.

in our continuing efforts to slander, defame, destroy, assasinate the slut's absolutely innocent, guiltless, loving, soft, caring, undiscriminating character and identity, we present to you now the hidden equation that will save the world!!! :-

P != NP -> grace chin su yin = penipu penagih sondal, incompetent druggie slut slag

heh, shrugs. the way of the world.......

sickening... heh

------

heh. getting pissed (from work). and i distill/channel the anger at anger hatred towards her instead, what ensues/rouses is all the hatred i have for her and her dog. kehkeh gosling must be proud. what is true (for myself) is that people like her is what is making the world what it is, short attention span, short term memories, high turnarounds (of things, relationships, etc etc), love, lust, forget, change, replace, rinse repeat as much as you can, compression, quantity not quality. live fast die young, more and more now the older the world gets(?), the more people out there seem to be having this mentality. but theyre indispensable, necessary in light of the need of the world to eventually finally fold in upon itself, without them the economy wouldntve grown so large and hungry and greedy. greed begats greed. without people who want to consume pleasure each and everyway at the highest rpm possible we wont have our great culture and economy that we live in right now. amen.

i look forward to their eventual self destruction. (and my own, from other causes entirely)

its quite placating reading my own hateful thoughts/feelings marked on visisble text. it is the only solace i have now it seems, chasing my own tail, and to tell my self, 'i have been here before, and i know i will be here again'

------

washing my face with neutrogena-smell reminds me of being at the sluts place. donuts in singapore-reminds me of buying donuts and shopping stops with slut (in singapore)

persistence of vision. persistence of sense data. all of this is just data. so much flesh in the world. congratulations and good luck at sleeping with all that beautiful flesh you desire.

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on my uneventful birthday, you are in penang, ...with her! heh i love it. i love it!, hahaha hahaha. and on your stupid birthday, you have 'escaped your eventual suicide and become older ...' (! yay wow)(WOW!) ...and you spend the night... with me!! (OHMYHGAWT! ICANTBELIEVEIT!) hihihi. awww, everyone wants to chase you all the time, everyone! everyone! everyoneeee! everyone wants to be with you!! hahahaha, oh lucky you lucky you so much friends that you will turn on and off to do and to be whatever you want of them to be! yay! YAY! kahkah

'ya, if youre lucky, in three months ill coming running back and begging you to take me back, maybe even after valentine's day' (paraphrased from memory)

kahkahkahkah. what a fucking lying deceitful irresponsible slut (pleonasm) you are! im amazed. ah well,... time for you to move up hte ranks... youve got it all planned, but youre just too embedded in your lies to admit it. its basically the genetic makeup of a weak but wannabee-rebellious child that came from a broken religion oppressed family. shrugs. heh

whatever fucking lies you feed to your meatslagmasterdog shell just brush it off and 'forgive you, because she loves you so much, she loves you SO much, even though she will run off to someone else to fuck meanwhiles. and she wants all that drama of departure and return and departure and return, thats what being in a relationship is about, right? lies and lies and love and love and hate and hate and forgiveness and backstabbing and acceptance and more lies. its the status quo of modern media and modern entertainment. thats the status quo of a daughter from a broken divorced family. and whenever she lies and cheats on you youll run off to some other unfortunate dog youve got lined up waiting for you to validate your self worth and you pour the very sadsympathystory you have oh sadness oh sadness etc etc etc please love me please love me. my parents dont love me please love me, hahahaha.

tedious. (hihi)

lol

im comforted with the thought that however appaled amazed surprised i am at how much of a deceitful slag she is im sure she is(was (she doesnt need too long of a recovery *from shock*, as long she has somebody between her skinny thighs, shell be ok)) as appalled amazed surprised (and hopefully dissapointed) over how singularly hateful, obsessively hateful, unforgiving i am (not that i even think she cares whether she is forgiven or not). what she wanted is was a pushover. too bad small twineboy has delusions of machoness and isnt as needy pushover as she thought, eh? kahkah. tsk tsk, better work on that profiling algorithm dearie. time to rewrite your blackbook manual. and you thought you could pull him back with suggestions of return, hahah, oh, needy needy twineboy, im sure i can rope you back between my bloody cunt to eat my meatslags ginejoos inside out from out of my own ginegrave.

------

realities

1. the slut will never come to an admission of her guilt. she has always been happy even in the drama of being sad

2. i will endlessly tirelessly tediously gripe to myself about nothing! :D

------

tak lama lagi kau mati. otak kau berkecai dan mata kau yang memang buta dicincang lumat. (hihi)

funny. hearing her stupid voice singing bulimia/anums song in the middle of the night with her slutdog. and most of those nights i spent time with her, wow she really knows and wants to be a playa with her proh-ton sa-gah. hmm. kahkah. little girl little girl singing to her mummy to impress her. i lub you mummy please lub me and put your head between my legs and stub cigarette stubs on my stummy pwease. ohh i huwts mummy oh mummy i lub you.....! do it again...

haha. i managed to watch and download all of the videos. more projects coming up.................. heh

------

sampai hidup kau dan anjing taik kau musnah dan terburai.

baru aku puas hati

sampai aku puas hati

------

hihihi. senang je

its not hard being a liar. its not hard being a stupid person. its not hard being selfish. its not hard being a murderer. its not hard being a hater.

senang je aku nak cari bomoh. bagi hidup taik kau lebih umbangambing lagi. tak pun hantar makhluk, jembalang merasuk kau memang tu lah apa yang hidup kau nakkan. tanpa perlu berpikir. tanpa perlu memilih. tanpa perlu bertanggung jawab. hihihi. senang je.

setiap kali kau jatuh, terhantuk kepala, ternampak taring, ternampak jembalang, terluka, membakar diri, tercekik, tercucuk mata, eksiden kereta, lupa barang, stress kerja, sakit tulang, kena ragut oleh pencuri, kena pukul, depresi sampai nak bunuh diri, fikirlah aku. fikirlah aku. lepas tu lompat lah. bunuhlah dirikau yang tak guna tu. engaku yang memang tak guna tu.

------

<from_email>

heh. i always really look for it.
usually im not particularly too curious about hipness or entertainment or etc, but dig i did from my youtube account to a band friend/fan to a friend/ex-lover of hers lainie then to find her whitemasterslags account with 10 videos, and '2201' - 5 months ago, i know the date, i know the fucking date, i KNOW the fucking dates
memang i really like to torture myself. but stupidly why, not that i cared or have ever or care anymore.
i know the date, it was perhaps a week or two before cny before her CNY email ' i miss you' HAHAHAHAAHAHA. fucking slut. heheh\
sorry
anger and resentment is all the loner has left, all the loser has ever had anyways. heh. i love it.

</from_email>

so, why didnt i watch the whole thing? hahaha. cant stomach? cant stomach their stupid happy fucking faces that i would love to fucking twist the very lying fucking lives out of? heheh. stupid slut. stupid fucking slut memang banyak mulut je. surement, jamais la femme que jattenderais jamais la femme je jesperais, nest pas que la femme quon deteste quon haer quon detruiterais. et 'je ne pense pas a toi, pas mon amour pas mon aimee. t'abandonnerais toutes et tu se tuerais. kahkahkhapukibabimukataikkau

kahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakhakahkahkahakha

yes. another song. indeed it is to be titled '2201' (or bk or penang loopy)

juste de cote de moi, cest tout, pourtant tu est la. just a fucking slut of convenience and comfort

kahakhakhakhkahkhakhkhakhkahkhakhkahkhkahkahkhakhkhakhkahkhkahkhakhkahkhkahkahkhkahkhakhkahkhkahkhakhkahkahkhakhakhkahkahkhakhakhakhkahkahkahkhakhakhkahkahkahkahkahkahkahkhakhakhakhakhakhakhakhakhakhakhakahkahkahkhakhakhakhakahkahkahkahkahkahkahkahkahkahkahkahakhakhakhakhakhakhakhakhakahkahakha

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pelacursondalmurahpenipupenagihtaik

heh. now to find those youtube saving software crap whatever it is. KAHAKAHAKAH

------

6:16 PM 6/12/2009
'do you still want to be friends?'
stupid, haha
why didnt you say it so much earlier? from the beginning? stupid bitch. its absolutely clear now and then despite all the words, you never meant or wanted anything serious, so why throw around those words you did? because yes. you are like that. incapabale of understanding the weight of things. because you want to be so weightless, so unreachable, to endlessly be sought after. hence, you just used words as meaninglessly and as expressively as you could, to get what you want, to feel what you wanted to feel, even though you knew it was fake that it was going nowhere, that you had planned its end from the beginning. the strategy for you was and has always been, emotional guilt, guilt of love, guilt of sadness, guilt of happiness, tantamount to emotional guilt and blackmail to get waht you want from others. 'blackbook fantasies'. kahkahkah. player konon. tengok lah muka ko tu dulu. lontar masuk lobang taik pun lipas tak mau. hihi, memang berangan taik, otak dah terburai makan dadah ada pikiaq mau jadi p-p-p-p-playa please'.... kahkah

memang berangan hidup nak jadi sitcom superstar playing and planning all the expected valleys and throughs that the american dramawriters have thought of.

------

yawn. sondalpenipu bodoh, memang bagus kalau kau mati. kecik2 tak nak mati dah besar menyusahkan mak bapak, keluarga dan orang lain. dadah tu banyak lagi tgh menunggu, ratahlah, makanlah, lahaplah, sedutlah, cucuklah, hisaplah.. sampai kau puas, sampai otak senget kau terburai sampai mata kau habis berair dan terbeliak pecah. sampai gegendang telinga kau hancur. hidup terbuang yang sepatutnya memang terbuang. binatang jalanan yang sememangnya sampah manusia. kau dah kekasihkekasih kau memang sampah manusia, sampah binatang, jijik! jijik! langsung jijik dan tak berguna! yawn.

------

yes. what i Should do next is an analysis, a deconstruction, a psychological profiling of Each and Every written word exchanged between the sondalpenipu and myself. of which, the process and result will be presented here! as a literary exercise! or something. hah. emails and im's for the gory reading displeasure of all. to disembowel completely the dead horse.

however i can completely imagine (yes yes all in my head, haha) her pretty lovely happy dramatic life since forever, quite smug and comfortable and proud of her 'social, 'emotional acomplishments in life, surviving whatever displeasures and obstacles in her superdrama life to add and affix to her street cred as it were. hahah. smug and proud and resolute yet frail and human and doubtful and sad all too sad (kahkah) since forever, since before, because her all too human faults were her 'honest explanation for 'three months, for her failings. kahkah.

ah well. its unfortunate i will cringe when azmyl plays the harmonicas now. and the image and memory of me playing the harmonica, to be thrown out the beadcurtained window, to be smashed with a rock upon the head over and over and over and to be smeared all along the swimming pool tiling the goopmatter that spills out and to be fed back into the shattered face and broken mouthjaw that same worthless gray goop with your arms and fingers relishing each and every final throb of 'life that shudders out, stuttering the final 'life throes of a useless meatslag. and the supposed other significant meatslag with the head hurled body swung at the edgeblunt of the swimming pool repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly. and to feed their goop to each other as the kids in the pool watch in wickedness. and their respective useless bodies and skinframes get thrown to the brickfields dogs to be torn up and torn up and torn up and mangled and mashed up, together! together, into eternity, universal, floating endlessly as free dust. undiscerning, indiscriminate, loving everything, shreds of useless universal dust.

meatslags into dustslags.

and which has been said before to remind myself over and over. people are selfish. and im no exception. variations are whether one is honest with oneself and or brave enough to be honest with others. selfishness lends itself well to mendacity (?). i need to keep reminding myself her type of person couldnt escape her typology of constantly mooing, constantly lying. that is her physiological biological nurture makeup.

-someone ive actually never known. akin to a grandfather raping a granddaughter.

-she represents a type. she is no different from all the pleasure seekers in the world who have an elevated sense of self.

-she will continually do whatever it is 'most natural' for her to do, to lie to herself and others etc. and it will never end. all for excitement and entertainment and variety and drama

-many others will be hurt by her and she will be hurt by her own actions. this is the path she has laid down for herself. some wont find out either. and some will find out, but potentially they will be pleasure seekers like her too and be stupefied by her emotional stupidity.

-she will one day kill herself and i will smirk then shrug to myself, 'i toldja so, kahkah'. heh.

heh. i just love being a wicked selfrighteous fuckeroo. i suppose its true...

-i never did actually care about her. it was all a grandiose lie on my part to orchestrate a grand drama that will destroy itself.

-i cared more about being right than being compassionate. (the guy in the small car who doesnt give way to the eighteen wheeler and gets squashed and pushed down the cliff). unrelenting need to be logical.

-i deluded and blinded myself the whole time, wanting to live a life of pleasure myself, being selfish to my real values. i cheated on my real selfrighteous self.

-im so hungry for attention and street cred im elevating the past happenings/memory/drama/... for more than it really is was. yes yes its all about me. i hava a much more elevated sense of worth than her than anyone in the world! i get 2 million hits a day on this webbie since writing this crap. damn, im rich from adsense! all i do is plan what variety of hurtful thing to say about her every few days to get stats running.

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heh. going through ebay.de, see countless mundharmonikas and the rest.... heh, germans. rousing up a feeling of hatred and revulsion at seeing, imagined playing, hearing, the low whiny singular drone of the harmonikas. its amazing how that slut planned to fuck up somebody's life by giving away meaningless gifts (for guilt of course) and its even more amazing that ive let it eat me up, now, yes, i hate harmonicas. i despise harmonicas. i hate and despise dan dare and 2000 AD and all silver harmonicas. playing, holding, having it in you, an invisible reverberation grgrgrowing into a fuzzy ball of resonance in your mouth like two foreign bodies locked in one breath. yes, it is amazing how i let it bother me. even now. heh. sondal bodoh memang hidup hanya untuk mati sebagai binatang. kahkah

------

its great that im stuck chasing my own tail. no one complains better than me. and reverbrates indefinitely.

to realize that she was nothing more than a type, countless like her out there. and i was a type too, a pleasure victim as it were who turned out to be a boring complaining mongrel rather than an entertaining poodle.

hate and bitterness as ideal and altruistic as love.

just a type a type that will hack at whatever she hacks at indefinitely because she can never escape her situation. who am i to care? ive never cared correct? i have already observed in my corner of corners alongside the countless corners occupied by the other supposed outsider types which i conform to that she is trapped and belongs to that despicable type, and that i belong to a type (that is typologically/characterogically very far removed from that type of hers). all will hack at their mindless inclinations and 'true selves' irregardless of ability to look outside and look inside (of and to themselves).

and like all types, she will just live her special yet inconsequential yet super-dramatic anguish ridden life hoping to be made into a movie or a novel or an adaptation because attention is what her type requires. entertainment and constant attention is what typifies her pigeon hole. in the end she will die having or not having made the history books, telling herself, `i have loved as many as i could and i was true to myself, i never hurt anyone, even if i did, i truely loved them for love's sake, not for selfishness and greed. <thoughtbubble>i am a great person.</thoughtbubble>` and her nth supposed fuckpersonslavemaster at the time will mourn her but finally run away to some fuckpersonslavemaster of her own. etc etc.

there are no memories in heaven and hell.

if man could live forever, would it make sense for a man to do anything he chooses or feels like doing? fuck everyone? dissapoint everyone? lie and cheat to everyone? what is the idea of lying and cheating to anyone anyways? for selfish personal fulfillment? apparently the idea doesnt exist. none-o. lying and cheating is embedded in the language of beauty. to project one desirable image is to obscure and suggest there being an undiscovered undesirable image. life is a fantasy. this is what pleasureseeker types subscribe to.

"i want to sleep with as many beautiful people as i can"

what for? tsk. maybe you do not believe yourself beautiful thats why.

"i want you and shitfahce to be good friends and love each other forever after i die"

haha. how dramatic, so needy for attention. what you want is for your mother and father to reconcile, that is the embedded meaning. incapable of resolving your personal familial issues and projecting it to your supposed "lovelife". kahkah.

traversing types. a taxonomy is required.

its great to know only i am chasing my own tail. i do live in a world of my own now. hermetic world of the mind.

and the hate i feel is pure suggestion. a controlled experiment in emotions. and the sadness and memory i flash to myself oftimes is also pure suggestion. another controlled program to push the biological body to do things that are expected. and all is as to be expected. because the biological body is a predictable beast. as both observer and subject i fulfill the experiments' needs and expectations. i fulfill the necessary logical utility of life that is independant of anything.

------

which dog am i. too bad about your plans of having 'one more dog' in your cadre of potentials of people to chase after you to give you the depressive attention you need. kahkah. heheh potential song.

------

forgiveness is not for stupids, for those who do not realize their faults and mistakes. because of their ignorance to their own faults they hardly will admit that there is any fault.

------

woohoo! mati dah lah! hehe. cepat ah bunuh diri. hihi. alah sayang sayang sayang. kahkah. kesian.

its not just me. she will and have lied cheated on other people. whether it is was her supposed '5 yr on off boyfriend', her white master slut, her parents, her danny, her various party girls from zouk or whereever, and countless blackbook potentials, whomsoever else comes along in the next three months and after that. pleasure seekers. i suppose it does make sense. lying cheating and false promises is part of the offered package of pleasure. and her white master understands that, all for fun fun fun, promises uttered are for illusions of the moment. chemical manipulations of the moment.

now i do agree with her idea though, there is no such thing as love no need for human commitments no need for faithfulness. though now i reject both sides of that supposed reality. only because fakery and living a fantasy brings up a feeling of disgust and hatred in me to no end.

Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence.
- Napoleon

and yes, potentially her lies and cheatery are born more of a whole (bibled-stuttered-starstruck-drugged up) life of bungling and evasiveness, not of 'malice' as it were. stupid people unfortunately will remain stupid. hateful people will remain hateful. does the acknowledgement and realization make them better off or more stupid/hateful?

my hate will remain constant. will it finally destroy me or not? but to realize to myself 'it is was will not be just me' brings me some stupid solace. that she will keep running her life that way and lying and cheating to other people brings me solace? thats quite hateful no? hahah. the fact that she is was just a stupid mooing grasseating cow brings me solace. stupid people supposedly cant be blamed for their stupidity as it were. but how do you explain how do you resolve all the bungling which is causing a lot of grief in the world? when and how do we make stupid people realize that they are stupid? if they realize that they are stupid, (in one domain or another) why do they keep persisting in that domain? fulfillment of pleasure which is selfishness and greed? stupidity and human failings can always illuminated by honesty. if youre stupid, being honest about it will make people realize what to do (with you). the problem is when its not just stupidity that hampers our subject. when our subject is a liar, honesty obviously will never come to light.

'its not just me'. yes like a random robber who will irrationally strike whenever she feels like it, bungling at it even. because 'she doesnt know'. yet 'she knows and feels what she needs'. she is the bungling irrational snatch thief striking out and doing the right things that a snatch thief does, brandishing the right weapon, saying the right words, posing in the right posture even though she does not know what to do with the weapon the words the posture or what they actually mean. because she has had set herself to fail. her failure is her defense against the world. inability to achieve is her siren song to all would be preys.

why does did she lie and cheat and yet cry and feel sad? because it is her 'incompetence' it is her biological makeup to lie and cheat and yet cry and feel sad. something she will never escape. just as it is my biological makeup to hate and obsess and hate and obsess, but mine Is malice, i have logically chosen to hate, only a small part is 'incompetence', inability to stop hating, inability to know what to do to save myself, inability to accept that it is quite simple to save myself. (my own selfish attention seeking pleas for help) heh.

------

eng leong told ys and ys told me, apparently 'i have gotten over it'. hah, i suppose i have to a degree, realizing over an over how useless and arbitrary that piece of meat was. just a pleasure loving piece of trash. how could anyobdy know a person like that?

its weird still the persistence of feelings and the appearance of feelings. 'when i feel happy, the first person i think of IS you, when i laugh with other people, i Will think of you' set against the flip of 'better you fucking die you stupid useless meat, nak fuck jer dan pandai cakap jer'. bipolar. yes. better you fucking die.

------

haha. manusia tak guna. baik kau mati je, haha. bodoh. useless meat, useless human

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hah! http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Behavior-Questions/16330-does-every-girl-keep-a-back-up-guy.html

'tu nest pas la femme que jattendais, que jesperais, pourtant tu est la', yet another singer i dont know who keep playing on rfi.

amy winehouse 'i cheated on myself'. quite a competently/straightforwardly written song, no punches. i think the issues i have with my own songs is that they are too 'cushioned', as is that song by winehouse, the melody is too decorative to almost detract from the main posit of the chorus, that 'she cheated on herself.

------

yes! yes! your time is almost up!

two unfinished song (and very old too), but progressed last few weeks

Birds of a Feather

<verse>
what do the birds sing about you
when you are with me feet to feet dancing to our heartbeats?
what do the birds sing about you
when you run through streets of Siam with her hand in hand?

<chorus>
they sing of the freedom youll never have
they sing of the wings youll never grow
they sing of the young youll never breed
and of a simple life youll never know

Broken Escalator an Empty Mall

<verse>
i am approached by a man
who sells bright plastic toys
but when he starts to speak
it is with your voice

i am approached by a girl
with bundled clothes for me to buy
but when i look at her face
i see she wears your eyes

<chorus>
will not rest until
will not rest until
going up going down staying still

passing through floors walking through wall

....

list of songs im struggling to finish

Bible Girl Rebel, Juru Kunci (song for Nuning), The Most Dangerous Words, Your Boyfriend's a Really Nice Guy

------

to know that there Are many things in the world which arent as easy and as throwaway as you think. to know that there are dissapointments in real life. to know that everyone is culpable for each and every small act they do. to know that self awareness, vigilance, responsibility, though stifling (and funless), is inevitably necessary. as it is in my song '(im sure ) you got what you wanted'

------

keep thinking how i will suddenly wake up one day and i will forget. but i have not and i dont. but i feel like im getting there, through sheer blunt suggestion. keep niggling on those same details. and i keep coming back to the key to my clearinghouse, which still doesnt open the lock to let me out, the key in effect is i never knew have never known that person will never know that person more than the depths of her cunt. that i in fact was never known will never have been known by that person any more than the bitterness of my spunk. heh. but its true. i keep telling myself. its sad but its true true. that i remind myself i deluded myself too much. most people's ideals and hopes only reach to the edges of their pleasures and their fulfillment. to their emotional appeal. as it is with people who live in clouds i gave myself too much fantasy. but now i know my logical mind knows again. and one of these days my body will realise and acknowlege this knowledge this fact, 'i was just a random fuckee', and 'she was just a random fucker'.

------

<note>

11:46 PM 5/20/2009

pissed/anxiety

<snip>

5.suddenly reeled back to april 12/13th 2008 mamak session while practicing falsestart w furniture. stupid slut. you knew what you were planning doing all along. yeesh stupid. better you fucking kill yourself. image of intimacy. hah

</snip>

</note>

------

talking to ah tien was weird and enlightening. people will be like that^. people will cheat on their signifant others or help other people cheat on their significant others even if they were once cheated on, or maybe after they were once cheated on.

i wouldnt sleep with or even pursue* anybody who has a significant other* if i knew about it/there being a significant other. and people will obscure the truth about their 'status' for their own purposes. inevitably what comes out is truthiness, truths will be wrangled into posttruths for distinct purposes, selfish personal reasons or otherwise. why be in a relationship in the first place? why be with someone in the first place? just to fuck and party around? i suppose the answer is yes, just to fuck and have irresponsible fun, and it applies to guys and to girls. i can accept the honest physicality of it, but dont lie to the one you have 'promised faithfullness' to, someone who in essence 'is yourself', your otherself, your significant other, because its tantamount to lying to yourself. giving empty promises and lying is where i draw the issue, and too many engage in it, its sad disgusting and repulsive. though ah tien himself was cheated on by his ex-gf, i wouldnt have engaged to be 'the third person' with that girl who he knew had a boyfriend. i saw it as him just basically putting himself as the person who helped his ex-gf cheat on himself. shrugs. (hah moral high horse)

so is retaliating to 'lies and broken promises' with anger and hate equal to retaliating to 'lies and broken promises' with 'lies and broken promises'? i would immediately think no, but the equation is similar in negative energies, so potentially the equation is almost similar, maybe..? just as she entitled herself the right to not fulfill on any (imaginary) promises and not be entirely truthful about anything; i myself entitled myself the right to choose to be hateful and be angry.

so why did i keep seeing sleeping with her after knowing she had a supposed '5 year on off boyfriend' (whatever that means)? weakness and stupidity on my part. that much i admit. shouldve been more steadfast with myself and my stupid values. a person who is willing to cheat on her current supposed 'siginificant other' will easily cheat on you should you ever have the malchance badluck to become her supposed 'significant other'. which is to say the ideas of 'significant others'/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wives/soulmates or any relationship which requires a good amount of faithfulness and responsibility to these people are devoid of weight and or meaningless and is equitable to other people they have in their lives except that they have labelled you with a different label because they have and will fuck and will leave and cheat on you. shouldve said after the first time, 'ok i dont do this, i hope you value your `on off boyfriend` enough and tell him that i slept with you. and tell him i apologize and i am remorseful because i didnt know'. stupidity and lecherousness on my part. nobody is so important that you should destroy yourself by compromising your (unfortunately stodgy conservative) values.

so yes, "everyone" does "this". whether it is to cheat or to help cheat and the excuse is good and valid; either basic human stupidity, lack of wisdom or lack of contextual information. (yet theyre just excuses). why not? how else will people have fun, fuck everyone in the world, 'sleep with beautiful people' or do things normally outside of their immediate circumscribed reality? well if that is your goal in life, ne ver gi ve emp ty pro mi ses.

------

"you know why? why i wrote those words on your stupid car? because theyre true. because jerome confirmed my own suspicions about you, that the only one that matters to you is yourself. that all of your actions have always been to further your own heedless selfish greedy needs, even if the outward act itself was towards somebody else, what you never wanted to admit to yourself and others was that all you did and have done is to fulfill all your own pleasureable selfcentred wants needs requirements in life."

congratulations to your pleasurable happy life of comfort neverending sensation depression emotion happiness drama.

------

weird. everytime i think of dongtaidu i will think of the first dongtaidu which i didnt go to (may 3rd 2008) and which she did go to. and which i know now (or only then after the "'breakup'") that she went with her stupid fucking ta-chong beautiful useless norwegian dog slut white master. so much for 'but im with you right now right?'. only from telling hwang my sordid stupid story then after the "'breakup'" did i come to know. i wore the deceit tshirt thinking* she would come to dongtaidu2, though i knew* she wouldnt. and i wouldve fucking smashed her slut and or her along with my trumpet, or the keyboard stand or my laptop or thrown my shoe or any fucking heavy thing to crush their stupid skulls in. thats drama for you. images. images. images with traces of meaningless words. of lies. of liars. of fools. of liars who are fools. and fools who are liars. why do the images persist? its my own character fault. overly vivid imagination. i imagine their physical destruction every few days. every day? and i know im obsessing when in the post thought i realize i dont know what happened aside from having a lingering feeling of hate and lost time half an hour ten minutes of feeling of hate which cannot be attributed to any discrete memory or action apart from recurring feeling of anger and hate. though, to her defense, what right have i, correct? all people all sluts have right to do whatever they want including lie to anybody they want to or feel to, i have no right to demand honesty or brutal honesty from people, and extension of the value i overly-too-seriously impose upon myself.. who the fuck am i? im just a useless fuckee. everyone has the right to fucking lie. that is boon of free speech and liberty, no? and as usual,... "lighten up! dont be so fucking serious, just do whatever you want whatever you feel everything is real and everything is not real we are free because everything is a fucking ocntradiction love freely lie freely fuck freely take as much drugs party hard dont be a stodgy old coot be happy have fun! who cares? we only live once! right?" heh. stupid fucking humans. stupid fucking human.

piece of shit useless meat. better you get slashed by some indian macha better your useless slut fucking die in an airplane crash or die slowly from swine flu. that is my own gleeful wish for my own selfish satisfaction.

i still cant figure who this singer is playing so much on rfi... 'your heart is as black as mine'

------

ambiguity is the convenience every liar needs, likes, wants.

stupidity is the convenience every fool hides behind.

------

piece of shit useless meat. hidup kau gunanya hanya untuk makan dadah sahaja dan kena fuck oleh pengedar dadah dan kaki penipu yang sama dengan kau yang hidupnya hanya untuk bersuka ria dan lepas tu mati.

cure for stifling sentimentality, real bitterness and hatred for artificial causes and fundamentally stupid people. (hmm what are fundamentally stupid people? iq shortage? eq shortage?)

gan asks(to paraphrase from past memory): "why be angry at the stupid cow? all cows will only moo and eat grass, you cannot ask it to do anything aside from what it is predisposed/born /biologically engineered to do! you cannot ask a cow to bark, let alone ask it to think or rationalize something outside of its capability to even think or rationalize! dont be stupid like the cow, all cows will always moo, what is the use of being angry at a cow for mooing?!"

what is the use for being angry at liars to lie? what is the use of being angry at cowards who are afraid of admitting hard truths to themselves for being cowards? what is the use of being angry at cheaters for cheating? what is the use of being angry at stutterers for stuttering? what is the use of being angry at drug addicts to be addicted?

im still perpetually angry at myself for having participated in the lie and charade and for having ideals, fallacious fantasy ideals and for never being able to even conceive of what/who i knew was just a cow/liar/cheat/.... talk about delusion. which goes back to square one. nobody knows anyone. only by choice and honesty can anyone let anyone else know anything about him/herself. and this happenstance doesnt really happen, especially not to/with cowards, druggies, stutterers and generally dishonest people.

a cow which we could conceive to be an 'honest animal' is excluded from the argument of honesty because we (humans) are incapable of engaging it on its own terms/its own language. how to be honest or dishonest when there is no common ground for truth and untruth? yet, though humans share common auditory/verbal/written (syntactical) languages, the semantical languages of types of people are always very very varied. one who is not a liar and cannot conceive of the idea of lying (one who projects complete trust(the stupid naive unworldly bedroom dreamer etc)) will never be able to engage a liar on its own terms/its own language, a language rife with double triple meanings, evasions etc etc. and it extends to all the variegated types of the morass of humanity out there. cheats/druggies/selfrighteous types all will exhibit different semantical languages, different linguistic patterns. granularity here plays a part of course. even in the guild of thieves, one might be engaging in many types of linguistic patterns, worst case scenario, is the granularity of self, that each and every thief will have his her own lnguistic mask. one will never know. as it is with the cow, the same applies here, to the thief he is not lying or being evasive, it is his linguistic predisposition to 'moo' or 'bark' and because we do not share this finest granularity of his idiosyncratic linguistic pattern, we construe it as lying. of course, hard facts will persist, intentions will persist and in the larger granularity of things lies and cheateries will and can be sussed out. its just that coming back to the granularity of the self, the thief will never admit it, because it is his her own self that is supposedly true to his herself, the language of lies is all true to the liar.

the next question here is, are people who are not versed in idiosyncratic linguistic patterns eg patterns of lying essentially stupid people? if not, what is the cause? should everyone inure themselves to patterns of lying, patterns of cheating and by extension all patterns of idiosyncratic language?

here also one axis of self applies, whether one is predisposed to be selfish or selfless, self absorbed or empathic. yet this character axis i think potentially does vary according to time (or seeds of randomness). but i think the min and max potentially could be inborn, (but i can admit potentially malleable). a person who is able to step outside him herself will potentially be able to be more honest with him herself (is this too broad of a statement?) as opposed to someone who is not. obviously there yet is another fork to be made for the our empathic type, the choice being to use it for his own purposes -selfishness, or not -selflessness.

an empathic person sees and understands fear and mindlessness-mindfulness in the group of people before him. he seeks out the most mindless-head in the clouds fearful one, and chooses right then and there to be a pickpocket/burglar. he succeeds. his choice being to exert his understanding of outward emotional hints of people for his own selfish workings. of course the choice of being a burglar is potentially coincident with his life/conditions/upbringing/ideals/...

the important^ (oooh) question for me is not 'why keep being angry at a cow that moos? you should just accept that cows will moo!', but 'why are you being an angry bull? youre going to be skewered by the matador because you cant see that the things it does(has done) was just to provoke you'. in effect i myself am not allowing myself to think outside of my own predispositions to moo or be provoked by red. worse still im consciously exerting the choice and decision to 'only moo' and or 'be provoked by red'. to me, the irrational behaviour is a concerted planned effort on myself as an artist to cleanse myself. yes an unfortunately cold strategized manifestation of the mind as opposed to a warm emotional bungling of the needs of the genitals (and the heart (and the liver(and the skin that needs cigarette stubs burnt on it (... (.))))). however, the behavioural manifest equates to the same thing, whether the source was reasoned or accidental/emoted/... self destruction is imminent. a supposedly smart bull that rationalizes to be skewered by a matador is no different from a stupid bull that emotionally charges not knowing it will be skewered by a matador. both will be skewered by the matador. the only difference potentially is the final form. a smart bull might be able to save itself and not be skewered to death, might have lots of scabs as a result but not death and knows it will not choose to be provoked by red the next time around (if its still alive then) whereas the stupid bull will not know any better afterwards and will be provoked countlessly (till its death). other factors of course are, cows might applaud the stupid bull for its effortlessness of execution and fullness and warmth of rampage as opposed to the cold calculative fakeries of the smart bull etc etc. meaningless exchanges of redundant external forces.

hmm to be analyzed further (and expounded better in a less than redundant thread of thought)

------

inability to accept the harsh reality of oneself and others vs magnifying the harsh reality of self and others. living a saccharine reality vs living a turd reality. and things between. utilitarianism* posits that it should be relative to the intention and the requirements of self and others(perhaps)

congratulations with your free love and free and nice life, im sure you will find your nirvana.

------

(excerpt from email)

We may not be able to stop the violence others enact on us, but we can learn to have compassion for them by understanding the nature of what they do."
long chat with gan some 2 weeks back if i locate the memory correctly, (to paraphrase..)
gan:"you dont have to demonize her etc etc..."
me:"but i do want to demonize her, its the choice ive consciously taken, though i openly acknowledge that her wrongs were not the end of the world, potentially not even malicious" (no dont think i even said this last bit )
its the decoration/lies im still bengang with and the blanketing of her faults with 'general human fallibility' rather than just admit that she was just selfish/greedy and just wanted to fuck/... another person lah. (and other reasons unknown)

-snip-

gan tells me that nuning our jogja friend's adulterous husband (angki)(who is also a mutual friend) said this to her 'its your own fault that you didnt have an affair when you were in amsterdam' (which was last year after a year?(or two) after he started his affair after going to an arts residency in korea). i dont know why im telling you this, apart from, people will be selfish any which way they want and will rationalize any which way they want.

which is to say life is sad and humans are shit. sigh
its the disparity (in life views). if angki believed being faithful was as paramount as his art then pairing with nuning who potentially believed that being faithful in life wouldve made sense. who is to know what internal workings are in the minds of others? basic life views. some people are just too moderate and liberal and some people are just too conservative etc etc. ive come to believe i want to champion a conservative life, but what do i do with my 'liberal lifestyle'? lol. how sure is one of another's life values? and how sure is another's values will not break in light of the incapabilities of a weak body/vessel/...?

going back to merton, whatever the internal workings of a person are, the final output/behaviour will always be construed ONE way. a murdered person will always stay dead. post rationalization or pre rationalization is only for the courts if and when punishment or praise should be awarded.
and i know it is only because i can will never (ideally) allow myself the comfort of forgiveness when i myself commit a wrong is why i extend it to the closest (or so i perilously thought) person to me, my life, my self. hmm ah well.
more fractures of logic to be found potentially.

</excerpt>

------

now i know what it is. its like the slut is/was just a random robber, burglar, snatch thief (which the slut encountered herself).

i feel have felt violated and i feel have felt a need to right wrongs, to avenge myself. but it is impossible, because Those types of people will do whatever they feel irrationally. there is no explanation for wrongs and mistakes in their world. they just need to act those things That They Do out whenever and to whomever they feel like it analogous to random muggings.
she was just a random useless even bungling also not particular sharp neither smart snatch thief. and whatever she has coming to her and her ilk will come to her and her ilk like the mass of unknown snatch thieves/burglars out there.

suicide
she should just go and do the fucking thing rather than persistently worrying 'those close to her' about the possibility of her doing it. dont be a fucking useless piece of stuttering meat, go and learn your precious bible and od on your meth while your fucking dog eats your cunt inside out then just go snuff yourself or just shut the fuck up rather than baiting your dog to say something expected like 'but why would you want to kill yourself!? i LOVE YOU!'. mwahahaha. the fuck do yourself a great favour and kill yourself or shut up and live your sordid reality.

disparity in values. when a life can be so decorated with ideas like suicide or adultery or dishonesty or white lies or emotional manipulation or corporate sleaze or whatever. a person A who subscribes to value K who proposes to another person B who does not subscribe to value K potentially will offend or at the very least move' person B to resolve the disparity in values. it is how i told ron some years ago that i did feel like snuffing myself (again), what did he do? he blogged about it. i was quite offended by the move, but i understood the response was due to the fact that it was not a value or idea that he subscribed to, hence he was himself offended by my even suggesting the idea. as it is to myself, dishonesty and adultery (though admittedly i have been a participant in my past) is something i do not subscribe to (and in adultery, i realize it was stupid and i repent (needing to reassess all my values and all my behaviour in a stupid (i reserve the right to be a bigot and herald all to be stupid fucking humans) society)).

its unfortunate that i view myself such a stout utilitarian when i have a supposedly suppressed emotional side (only as fodder for my world conquering art). to utter words in vain and freedom of expression. i believe the supposed idea of liberty and freedom is just too overvalued, especially expression. how do i be a person who does not waste and does not utter vain wasteful ideas when i supposedly subscribe to the idea of freedom of expression and the idea of 'expressiveness in art'(as if)? even these thoughts here are redundant and in vain (except to cleanse my own self and to bring hurt to that one i have chosen to exact revenge upon).

measuring the weight of ones words and ones actions, it is quite a task. day by day even. one inevitably becomes a very sad jack. though admittedly i am already a very boring sad jack (unless im putting up airs and 'performing', as it were). though i myself reserve a good amount of contempt to these supposed modern primitives who act out everything they feel with no reservation. mwahahaha. as jerome said 'love freely aziz, and you will be loved in return, though it might not be in the form you expect'. yes jerome, i will love as freely as your julien loved you and his other lovers, as freely as julien lied to you and his other lovers. heh. people really like blinding themselves. its sad, more so that im not an exception. what else do you do after youve become very brutally honest with yourself? the problem with most people (including myself) is that after they acknowledge their faults, they just brush it off saying 'its me, the true part of me, if i fix it i wont be me anymore'. thats what the world needs a lot of supposedly 'special people who have myriad character faults to mottle the social landcape'. as if there arent enough lying nymphomaniac drug addicts in the world 'yes yes im the only evasive stuttering bald nympho journo chick in the world ! i have escaped all character typologies and all standardized statistical behaviour! I AM SPECIAL!' of course youre special. everyone is special. every piece of shit that goes out your poophole is fractally different it all depends on what level of perception you are at. pov. measures of scale. everyone is special but shouldnt be for such stupid reasons like bipolarism incessant evasiveness and deception and being a meth addict. hmm rant. rant is useless in the utilitarian sense of society. it only serves utility to myself. so yes that is my excuse.

however, where does one go after acknowledging a 'fault' or element J in behaviour or typology which one inhabits? ascertain whether it should be fixed, whether one wants it to be fixed. then perhaps get it fixed. reassess one's own values again. reassess one's prejudices. reassess whether prejudices are to be fixed. etc etc.

ah well

------

'5 year on off boyfiend'
"its on when i want to fuck him and dont want to be a slut
its off when i want to fuck someone else and i dont want to have to lie or cheat to him
but i will 'keep him around' for my own convenience's sake. will always be at my own beck and call as when i choose it to be. (just like how i will choose when i disable and enable my facebook account)"
(imagined thoughts)
turn that switch whenever you feel it

why have i never had an on off significant other?
maybe because i want to be honest with myself and dont like manipulation?
i want things to be simple, i require things to be simple in my life
'requirements' such a cold word indeed no?
obviously 'requirements' does not belong in the supposed complicated domain of life and emotions of complex humanity where everything must be so complex. simple pleasures indeed

you know, i suppose its simple
people dont like being alone (and i dont really have issues being alone). or maybe people cant handle being alone. though its weakness that i see, but i suppose its simply the supposed social nature of humanity and interdependence (which has created the bolstered the 'progress' which humanity has reaped). social animals are a biological necessity of the supposed survival instinct.

they need to have some tether to fallback to
in case something else they(re trying to) tether to cuts itself off
in which case i only have contempt for those types
those types that keep a cadre of possibilities for their survivals sake
its only normal right? survival instinct. dont trust anybody, thats the name of the fuck/love game

maybe i shouldve been more upfront in that regards
and i have no doubt that there are countless numbers of these types of people
who keep a secret cache of fallback tethers at their beck and call. ill call 0 when my tastebuds have an inkling for 0 and ill call 1 when i have an inkling for 1 and so on and so forth. the comfort of convenience. the convenience of choice and the comfort of human fallibility to fall back upon when you make a mistake.

and perhaps why i dont understand it is due to that, i have no issues being alone. and i cant understand why people lie so much in that regards.
but being with somebody felt great even if it was fake. and because i now know its fake
i cant feel anything but disgust at it and myself for having participated in the lie.

so what the hell is a '5 year on off boyfriend'?
"just to tell my friends im not a loser, that i want and can keep up with the status quo, that i have (a) a constant boyfriend even if its on off (b) a safety net to fall back upon to fulfill my biological needs, my survival instinct, a supposed 'best friend who is a guy that will do everything with me, take drugs, get stoned, cum in pussy and mouth, be my drug dealer, do my tattoos, etc'. and when i say ive broken up with him, itll mean nothing because ive broken up with him countless times. and it will only be ME who does the breaking up, not him. only i have the right. though potentially all the while i 'regarded' him as an 'on boyfriend' he only saw me as a fuckee in a string of drug fuckees, but who cares, as long as my girlfriends hear from me that me and him are an 'on couple' again, thats all that matters. and who cares whatever he says, he's a liar anyways"

------

"He's just not that into you". this is aida's advice to me a few months ago (she was never That into you). something that ive tried to convince myself over and over and over and over then and before. and even now that im surely convinced, why do i still carry on like how i am? embers. destroy the last embers.

useless meat. another unfinished song. humans become useless meat because they easily give into the immediate pleasures that they seek.

the funniest thing is now its a movie? gguffalorl.

currently trying to write a song for nuning, over angki's adultery (like, WTF). it also has ideas related to my own wtf. im still stuck at the verse (and the whole song lah)

Kunci
Kesalahan mu
Bukan sekadar kebetulan
Kerana apa yang salah
Mustahil dibetulkan...

Kunci yang hilang...
Kunci yang hilang...
Kunci yang hilang...
Kunci yang hilang...

other songs which im super stuck at, Bible Girl Rebel Mommy's Boy Bully and Sex Workers and Dead Body In My Car

------

how did i find you? i was looking for a stupid self-destructive bible loving druggie slut for free sex that includes cumming in the mouth and cumming in the hole. i hope your dog likes the aftertaste. too bad never poked you in your asshole. im sure youve reserved that pleasure for your syabu dealers and your countless other sluts, on-off or otherwise. good luck with karma and life in the afterlife, im sure you can find more free pleasure there..

------

incomplete song. a sketch.

Greatest Favour
Do yourself a favour
And kill yourself...
Do yourself a favour
And kill yourself...
------

person0: fucking die you slut.

hehe

person1: yah, all that time i fucked and loved someone else, and a lot of THEM! i pick them easily at all the parties and events i go to because i have a life and im open to new things! not like you! and theyre absolutely better than you! how could you not know? pathetic loser. hee hee. jeezus, get a life! get over it already! lighten up! im sure masturbation is enough for you! i only fuck beautiful white people! and i will fuck a lot of beautiful talented people writers artists celebrities and we will debauch and partake in heavenly world pleasures to no end, mind altering substances which a poseur academic prude like you cant even comprehend! too bad, huh? well its party time baby! i love you... NOT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

------

begging for it ;) begging to feel resentment bitterness hatred. gave in and looked at my colleague's copy of the edge. dont You look happy miss pretty shit face. yup, get your revenge with happiness, congrats. not only do you get to exact the wrong, you get to exact your revenge too ;) kahkah. (anyways dont even need a stupid newspaper to feed my resentment, it comes and it goes as when it felt, whenever it feels like it. just like how you came and went whenever you liked, you stupid cheap meth whore)

stupid slut. better you fucking die and smash those teeth up some indian macha's parang. anyways congrats for being happy. heh

another one, quite old, was a sketch no title, unfinished (verse and chorus)

Untitled
Who gives you the right to cry
When you were the reason why...
Who gives you the right to cry
When happiness waits for you...

------

new! no verse yet...... in B/F#?. youtube.com/user/azizbutacelaka

'Really?'/'Really...'/'Really' (updated)

<verse>
too too much love is never enough
but all that matters is is im with you right now, right?
always only be faithful to your moment
didnt your blindness afford you the great warmth of my love....!?

<bridge>
Why keep wanting what you never had
Why keep doing all the things you do
Is it really really so bad
Was it really really so good

<chorus>
Why
Its just
Its just
just love

Why
Its just
Its just
just love

replacable
expendible
disposable
chemical

with lust
in a pair
never fair
never just
its just
just love

in a pair
with lust
never fair
never just
its just
just love

<bridge>
Why keep wanting what youll never have
Why keep doing all the things you wouldnt
Is it really really so bad
Was it really really so good

------

best line
inadequate size-challenged virilly-challenged goody two shoes peepsqueak nerd tries to be heroic saving useless hopeless stuttering half-deaf wannabee-bad wannabee-cool wannabee-sad ex-druggie ex-bible-loving daddy's girl journalist bag of bones from becoming a sex trading meth addict again, from supposed life threatening depression again and from supposed lifelong suicidal tendencies again
awww.. how sweet

------

(as copied from email to my irked friends)
basically a day after or on hungry ghost day she came to my house and left a lot of destroyed artifacts in the compound of my house. i was surprised, but i dont think the emotional mark was left at all, if it was in any way her intent, to rile me up.

she had left in front of my house:

i. things i bought before 'breakup' because she thought it was nice, and i just gave it to her(?)
   -robert crumb comic 'the sweeter side of robert crumb'. bought from borders gardens. This she ripped up except for the cover. Why couldnt she destroy the cover? Not enough determination (in life)?
ii. things i gave her which were my own during-after 'breakup' to cleanse myself of her
   -stacks of postit sketches of her and places i went with her /her friends etc etc. in retrospect i shouldve just destroyed these. i now know i gave them to her then because i wanted to remind her what we had which was gone. These she ripped up.
   -unused hairbands in a package. i think i bought those with her or i mightve just left them at her place and forgot about it. Why didnt she destroy them?
iii. things i gave her which were hers/which she gave me during-after 'breakup' to cleanse myself of her
   -a piece of glass from a beach. possibly penang or port dickson when she was with her dog. Why didnt she destroy it?
   -a nice rusted bottle cap from a beach. possibly penang or port dickson when she was with her dog. Why didnt she destroy it?
   -box of chocolates and chocolate wrappings from the edge. possibly because she couldnt give it to her dog. Why didnt she destroy it?
   -several postits which were written by her for my mandarin language education. These she ripped up.
   -several pieces of paper stating chotaiti winnings. These she ripped up.
iv. things i gave her after 'breakup'
   -colourful plastic easy(?) chair. However she paid for the chair after i gave it to her. She cut up the plastic. Why didnt she destroy the steel frame? Not enough determination (in life)?
v. things she wanted to give me after 'breakup' during hari raya but never did
   -a wire sculpture supposedly of a squirrel which she never even gave to me, which i wanted anyways, but in retrospect its good i didnt take it. Why didnt she destroy it?
vi. things of her own
   -pack of condoms which her housemate gave to her as a present from a holiday trip. Why didnt she destroy it?
   -box of morning after pills supposedly used before 'breakup' (and possible once after 'breakup'). Why didnt she destroy it?

questions:
ii. -why didnt i see the three postit coupons destroyed (which are invalid now anyways) along side the destroyed postits? She possibly threw them away a long time ago.
iv. -why didnt she destroy the barber light? She possibly threw it away a long time ago.
    -why didnt i see the jewellry destroyed? She never cared enough to look through all the things i returned to her thoroughly. (And i can surmise now, she is was never a thorough person which reasons why she could never pore through my oververbose textual manifestations of intellectual conceit (or even simple novel prose)). And if she did, she probably threw them all away.
v. why didnt she destroy the other crap she gave me?
   -hoodie
   -harmonica
   -2000 ad
   -'your mind on music'(?) paperback
   -kaya
   -prickly heat powder
vii. why didnt she destroy a book i lent her? 'here lies my heart'. she probably already threw this away long time back.

anways things of hers i rereturned to her (much to and against gan's chagrin/advice) and things of my own i set aflame. one can see the pix on flickr. flickr.com/photos/picselaziz

------

breaking news! skinny deaf druggie lifestyle journalist found dead with slashed face behind apartment block. it is not known whether she died from the impact of falling or being slashed on the face or years of lying, drug abuse and self immolation with cigarette stubs. supposedly her great dress sense gave her a minute and a half of extra life and suffering before snuffing out.

------

new! just now! (chorus only)

'Broken Hearts Are For Assholes' / 'Zappa will roll in his grave'

chorus

let's wait
dont think he needs help
broken hearted asshole
see him destroy himself

your mistakes
hell never forget
broken hearted asshole
will even destroy his friends

will destroy without regret

broken hearted asshole
broken hearted asshole
broken hearted asshole
broken hearted asshole

verse

like a small kid throwing a tantrum
he will never forgive nothing is forgiven

applaud him for his great defense
the great broken heart he will constantly mend

------

now on youtube! http://youtube.com/users/azizbutacelaka

'natural predators and natural selection' or 'victorious'
i am the winner
crossing the line of victory
and to you the vanquished
i shower you my great pity

i am the winner
crossing the line of victory
and to you the vanquished
i lend you my great sympathy

just be cool
dont try to hard
dont give a shit
or you wont get far

be like me
play hard to get
let them keep guessing
winners never regret

i am the winner
crossing the line of victory
and to you the vanquished
i shower you my great pity

i am the winner
crossing the line of victory
and to you the vanquished
i lend you my great sympathy

claim my prize
can throw it away easy
i will always win
because shes just another fling

ill just keep waiting
theyll all come to me
eurasians are best
and dont you ever forget

i am the vanquished
never knowing victory
because ive never known it
it was never a game for me

-------

new today!

'when'
chorus
when
when
when will you die
no one cares for how
or who ever you are
even the causes the whies
its only just when
when
when
when will you die

at night at a corner of a well lit street
youre suddenly approached quite discreetly
an indian man who brandishes a knife
slashes your face bloody but leaves you alive

tries to finish his great work
stabs you thrice in the throat
your white master shocked comes running to help
she gets herself gutted
wincing a pathetic yelp

and you yourself still able to see
he rends her face and stabs her eyes with glee
hacks at her heart as you steal into his eyes
and you start to realize
its your own hollow heart that makes you die
yet its the desperation like his that keeps you alive

chorus

in brickfields at the bottom of an apartment building
one can hear far mild approaching screeching
youre about to plummet into the concrete
and not to soon the impending sound hits

followed by a whimpering collapse of your useless bones
then everyone still has to hear your irksome groans
and a sudden second body plunges to the ground
its your golden master who followed suit after she found

your original dramatic suicide note
which wrote 'i will be exterminated'
and bathing in your tepid blood you start to realize
its your own hollow heart that makes you die
yet its the desperation like hers that keeps you alive

chorus

give us an answer
give us an answer

'asian slave white master' /'chord progression cop out pt1'
from childhood i never knew
why i was born as an asian
all those years i watched norwegian sitcoms
i looked up to and loved all them caucasians (though at the time i only knew them as white people)

i want to be your asian slave
and you gonna leash me my white master (ching chong!)
lets make fuck together
lets make fuck together

why did genetics deal me this card
i want all that intelligence and beauty that ive never had (or will ever nurture)
in white skin blue eyes golden hair
there, even that brunette will do
and definitely eurasians too! (because im desperate)

i want to be your asian slave
and you will leash me my white master
lets make fuck together
lets make fuck together

i know they have better skin
though ive never confirmed this
and i want to be as smart as the whites
so i fixed my engrish

i want to be your asian slave
and you will leash me my white master
lets make fuck together
lets make fuck together

i want to have white children
i want to have all those superior white genes to give
though my whole life i now know
i will always be an asian slave

i want to be your asian slave
and you will leash me my white master
lets make fuck together
lets make fuck together

you are my beautiful white master
and i am your ugly half deaf stuttering stupid asian slave
i never knew beautiful people could be so benevolent to love ugly people
its good to be easy

i want to be your asian slave (wannabee!)
and you will leave me my white master
i want to be your asian slave (wannabee!)
and you will leave me my white master

--------

<cut/>

--------

stupid unempathic deaf druggie stutterers who cant even understand simple novel writing probably are only to be relegated to write lifestyle all their lives and be prefixed into the 'asian slave love white master long time' stereotype until the completeness of their lives.

-------

waiting for news of their deaths. will celebrate my glee then in quietness

-------

several finished songs to be on the album

'im sure you got what you wanted'
hope you got what you wanted
hope you got what you wanted
hope you got what you wanted
from me
from everyone
from me

hope you got what you wanted
hope you got what you wanted
hope you got what you wanted
from me
from everyone
from me

now my life
is shut
is closed
is removed
completely
from you

hope you got what you wanted
hope you got what you wanted
hope you got what you wanted
from me
from everyone
from me

now my life
is shut
is closed
is removed
completely
from you

youre a better person now
youve learnt so much
with all the life lessons
you will never forget never regret, oh thank you thank you
your life so changed
you can walk away

you know so much about yourself now
you know so much about love

you can add another heartbreak to your fullness as a person
you can add another story to tell your grandchildren

you can walk away

'hide the mess away and everything will be fine'/'under the carpet'
broken glass
on the kitchen floor
short panic ensued
but as before

you swung a great broom
in my memory
to sweep the fatal shards away
to continue our life (o-ur life!)
normally
normally
normally
normally

broken bones
on the stair landing
violently pushed her down
as you went crying

i destroyed her pretty face
in my mind
then washed the violent thoughts away
to continue my life (my life!)
normally
normally
normally
normally

broken heart
on the front pages
all inked in blood
with the deepest sadness

you kept reminding yourself
of a lost great love
after you fucked someone else
to continue your life (your beautiful future life!)
normally
pleasurely
blissfully
normally
normally
(your life)
pleasurely
(your life)
blissfully
(your life)
normally
normally

'simpleness'
Cb379(C) A#Dom7(A#) G#Dom7(G#)

C A# C A#

              C
too much beauty
                A#
is given to truth
                  C
when what is simple
                      A#
is decorated by youth

          C
youth and rhymes and songs
           A#
imagery of love
                      C
depths of sadness and drama
              A#
when below so above

G#
bluntness
A#
ease
G#
boredom
     A#
honesty

G#
openness
A#
devotion
          G#
a predictability
             A#
like knowing the ocean

(pause)
              C
simpleness is joy
            A#
though joy is only your own
            C
but you can share it
                       A#
he or her with you can share it

       C
dont expect too much
              A#
but give your all
                   C
just be completely honest
                              A#
you and him (or her), nakedly honest
(though you know each other
however hard, be completely honest)

G#
bluntness
A#
ease
G#
boredom
     A#
honesty

G#
openness
A#
devotion
          G#
a predictability
             A#
like knowing the ocean

G#      A#
love is simple
C       A#
love is simple
G#      A#
love is simple
C       A#
love is simple

-------

i am an extremist

a possible terrorist. a skinny coward with delusions of manliness thats only exemplified by violence. supposedly thats why i have 'terrorised' her (and her friends) all this while when the supposed "wrong(s)" that she commited was/were meaningless/easily brushed away/normal/expected/... of a person of her character, history. And the innocents? Possible innocents are the supposed friends/acquaintances of mine who are her friends who i have decided to bomb, by inclusion into the 'people to avoid+excommunicate' list.

forgiveness supposedly is only possible with repentance. repentance supposedly is only possible with knowledge and acknowledgement of the offense. knowledge and acknowledgement supposedly is only possible with honesty (to the self). honesty is to some degree supposedly possible with strength and bravery. it doesnt help when one decorates oneself with the idea that one is responsible for all the faults of the world like jesus, that one was responsible for ALL hurt ALL faults. it basically says that one is not being honest with WHAT exact offenses that one committed, hence the best way is to blanket it with 'sorry for all the hurt caused (intentionally and unintentionally)'. but yes it is the fault of the wronged to even expect something so discrete/exact, are all people even able of honestly analyzing themselves and their behaviour? but how else? would you accept that somebody who ran you down and broke your legs apologize by saying, 'sorry (i ran you down) but i was late for a meeting and i got a bit drunk earlier'. thats a basic inability to accept the exact wrong which was committed, inability to be honest with oneself and with others.

and all the thoughts/wishes/images/... of violence, murder, malchance, bomoh, what have i done of them? just to decorate myself with garlands of manliness, why only stop at words, music and paintings? violence is the only way! too easily i couldve taken the chance to push her So dog down my stairwell and bathed my fists with her useless blood. that was possibly the only (subconscious) reason her smart self brought her So dog along. and why didnt i? i am a coward of course. so comfortable with my words, music and images lobbed from afar. why not a physical face off? throw you down your balcony like you wanted to do yourself.

hmm, lol, lost the thread of extremism and terrorism. balik2 to righteousness.

should people whose lives are demarcated by pleasure types even collude with extremists? moderates who believe in a pleasurable life instead of asserting what is right/correct/... For sure i am a spiritual extremist. And a lot of my extremism only applies to myself. Nothing is without personal bias, this is also an extremist view. Everything from humanism, aethism, religiousness, spiritualism, artism, fuckism, druggism, everything is marred with a personal bias, whether that bias is known, is being made known to self or others. For the most part the personal bias is never made known i believe mostly to propogate 'live in a pleasurable, comfortable life' (a reality as a suicide bomber's can be regarded as a pleasurable/comfortable life (albeit limited)). Holing oneself in one's myopic reality. I admit that i do live in a myopic reality, with limitations in possibility, chances, etc etc. Libertarians, pleasure seekers (and normal people) obviously (well mostly) subscribe to a life of infinite possibilities, infinite pleasure, try everything there is to try in the world! Though i contradict myself with my myriad interests, engineering, music, art, there's so very little that can be achieved by any one person at any one time, hence choice is necessary. Its all about honesty and choice. Is one honest about an interest in music? interest in cars? interest in fucking? interest in etc etc?

are all my resentment, bitterness, spiteful words thoughts mere kneejerk reaction? yes. but it does bring to fore my own suppressed issues in regards to personal values, behaviour, etc etc, things one puts in the backburner to live 'a comfortable life' of eking, work, play etc. Its unfortunate that i have not spent much time reflecting about myself as much as i have when i was way younger, when everything was an endless spiral an infinite regress of philosampah, hackpsychology etc etc. It's also unfortunate that i constantly think, rethink about being an ascetic, monk or shintoist (or the unabomber) which i know are mere behavioural reactions rather than real conviction to live a minimal ascetic life. Escaping reality isnt the way, but reality is always relative.

-------

from my personal notes

6:40 PM 3/30/2009
"conservative's/religious boy's/skinny boy's/nerd's/geek's bad boy unimaginative fantasies"

the image i see as i stand legs apart pissing

im standing legs apart over her on her batik mattress with a baseball bat in a putting position
she opens her eyes and i swing smashing her skull inwards
she manages a whimper
and her dog wakes up surprised
i collect my swing to counter into her dog's right eye socket
to quickly pull up and smash into her dog's forehead
a succession of satisfying shatters discretely tie together in my mind
i absorb the picture. it is night.
both of their bodies still trembling.
it is a cold night. ace hardware bat.
her head turns.
i arch my stance and slice a quick blow into that nose.
i leave the bat to settle into the human matter.
hardly looking like anything ive ever known. far less anything i loved.
i steal the glistening on my arms and fingers. a waxing moon.
a body so frail like a candle. needing sacrifice to make it whole.

(zedeck enters the room and i volley a nice concussion into his temples. im outside, pang appears, screaming, i throw a black steel chair at his head following another towards his body and rush in with a slice of steel into his chin. turning around, hazri hits me over the head, i bleed, and fall, as he slowly tries to collect himself to reciprocate my violence with the same steel chair, i flip around dazed, a following clang loud in my senses, reaching for the handle of the bat i swing with all my love into the back of his head, i walk over to pang and deal him two more blows to the forehead crouching and finishing with two more blows to the back of hazri's head)

i enter her room. her dog has flipped over her, a low tremor, a low hum emanates from her throat rrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhh. striding over i give a nice blow to her lower back. ngrrhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
positioning myself near the wall i smash the mirrors checkering the wall, a sprinkle of stars colouring their dead or almost bodies.
rub chin time. absorb. i sit down on her swivel chair. turn on the red ikea table lamp. an interesting image. surprising to say the least. zedeck stirs.
i hear sirens. it is brickfields after all.

this is the picture of unimaginative violence i paint for you
only for you
only for you

-------

i dont think i am a person who likes the idea of speaking in vain. unless stated otherwise, i do not wish to say things without intent, callously, or meaninglessly. so if i do say something which hurts, then i have possibly meant it, i have meant each syllable of pain intended in that which i hardly would ever even utter, even think of or want uttering. and if i mean care and the converse of hurt, then i have meant it with the most lungcrushing earnestness and vulnerability available to me (unless stated otherwise, which means i have applied a lilt to its meaning/un-meaning)

in the toss up between people who are aware of themselves and people who are not. are 'earnest' people who are oblivious of other peoples emotions/needs who hurt other people (a lot) intentionally because they are 'being themselves' worse than people who will hurt people intentionally when it is 'right' to do so because they are supposedly measured in what they do or say?( because they supposedly can empathize with people and understand people's emotions and situations?)

the potential is that earnestness will remain earnestness, stupid is as stupid does, the potential for hurt will still be high over time. the (unfortunate) best analogy here maybe is the difference between killer and murderer, between manslaughter or first degree murder. which unfortunately supposes a rational empathic person could be reasoned along with the sociopath, who understands situations which the earnest killer does not but does not feel the pain and emotion of the victim. the latter murderer that i see is someone who does empathize and does feel, and the very hurt s/he dishes out returns to her/himself, and s/he knows it.

speaking in vain. utter in vain

-------

another song, or fragment of. this morning after relapse. its really c&w

i think its called

'the one'

<verse>
there is no one to blame but myself
shouldve known that youre not one to have
surely not to hold
not to love
not to be with
cuz i am not enough (was: cuz one is not enough)

<verse>
shouldve known i am the one to blame
if it was you it would still be the same
the same loss
the same hurt
the same longing
but still theres no return

<chorus>
i am the one
i am the one
i am the one
i am the one

-------

no life

no style

thank you for the meaningful wishes of love from before

it absolutely changed my life. absolutely.

i have learnt so much.

cool laidback people will win over tempremental emotional people all the time. all the time.

i aspire to be like you and your lover, cool, collected, laidback, weightless. it gets more action that way.

congratulations again for having fucked up another person's life. you dont have to dignify me as a measly 'boyfriend', a simple 'fuckee' will do.

congratulations for having a happy fun existence, that is the sole reason for existing, for living anyways. thank you for educating me.

dont have to feign sadness when you have another happiness waiting in another yard elsewhere. so please i dont want you to be depressed from acting being depressed.

yes you are right your historicity was is different from mine therefore we were victims of history and life not victims of our own faults, because nobody is was at fault anyways, there were are no faults no mistakes, nobody not you nor me was is culpable for what happened. amen.

--------

julien doesnt deserve you, never deserved you jk,
hes just himself a greedy selfish boy chasing and running and chasing and running
and that slut never deserved me
she herself selfcentred, evasive, selfish, evading and running and evading and running

its weird though reading all these eli wong and rihanna whatever, its as if im the perpetrator, and its as if i am making myself out to be the enemy
i do not know how you will, can, get over, but you will.

i know now i stopped knowing the slut during your album launch. EVERYTHING after has been lobotomized from memory, to never have taken place

--------

hmm was working a new song and suddenly the imaginary image of the slut going up to her bitch's kl apt on april 12/13 after your album launch appeared in my mind and in my gut
and others, the perfect pair repairing back into slumber in slut's sparse brickfields room the batik bed sheets vivid in the background. heh. disgusting. the feeling im having and the image. disgusting. repulsive. its akin to i wouldnt mind them getting struck by lightning or getting mugslashed like the slut was (nearly) in front of her apartment. and which dog did she call then?

hide the mess away and everything will be fine

broken glass
on the kitchen floor
short panic ensued
but as before

you swung a great broom
in my memory
to sweep the fatal shards away
to continue our life
normally
normally
normally
normally
normally
normally

broken bones
on the stair landing
violently pushed her down
as you kept crying

destroyed her fucking face/smirk
in my mind
then washed the violent thoughts away
and continued my life
normally
normally
normally
normally
normally
normally

broken heart
on the front pages
all inked in blood
with the deepest sadness

you kept reminding yourself
of a lost great love
after you fucked someone else
to continue your life
your future life!
normally
pleasurely
your life
normally
blissfully
your life
normally
pleasurely
your life
normally
normally
normally
normally

-----------

is there anything more sickening than visual manifestation of violence? yes, the feeling of violence itself welling up inside you. which was trolled? baited? precisely caused by? ...?

while looking for pictures came accross this http://celebratethetruth.blogspot.com/2006/04/trying-to-heal-illustrative-example-of.html

<quote>

HE IS TO BLAME FOR THE VERY SITUATION HE COMPLAINS OF
That is because he is not willing to endure one ounce of discomfort for your sake.

Who cares if he's hurt you and you're trying to heal?
Who cares if he is constantly reinjuring you?

The only person he cares about himself! The only person's discomfort he is trying to aleve is himself. He accuses you of being selfish because you won't forgo your own safety and well being to cater to him!!!!!!

</quote>

it describes her AND me. me AND her.

distraction is correct for her, because she doesnt want confrontation, cannot endure discomfort. hence, 'lets take a trip to taiping, because everythings fine and dandy' 'lets be friends because i dont want to lose you' 'ive left a message underneath your door to get you back because i saw you run away in the night in some girl's car whom i dont know' 'im not gonna tell you i got back together with her at new years/xmas/whatever/... even though i told you that id prolly not be able to be with anybody anymore ever so that i can protect you from discomfort, so in effect im sacrificing my honesty for you' etc etc. shrugs

i dont actively seek out confrontation either, but everything should be honest and trasnparent, even at the risk of your supposed 'sense of self'. things need to be resolved for myself, and only by myself because only you yourself can fix yourself. and dont expect everything will be rosy. this is an unfortunate aspect of my own self, i expect that life will always be hard, hence i project that, from solving problems, to resolving issues with self, whereas people who just want to be happy and live a fun life will always reject that standpoint, things SHOULD be rosy for them, distraction IS good, living life DAY BY DAY with no repercussions IS good. (obviously i AM making quite sweeping statements of the supposed categorical differences there)

and depression is to some degree violence towards yourself, self-abuse, just as it is to stub your body with cigarettes et al. like Hurt, 'i hurt myself today, just to see if could feel'. the violence you enact to yourself, because all your life youve been conditioned to it, and you know of nothing else.

how can man ever be completely honest with him/herself? even if s/he is will his/er actions reflect it? if if s/he is will s/he be honest with others?

words. textuality. in the beginning there was the word. its just perplexing to me that i still cant accept the fact that there will be people and i will meet people and i have met people who use words so callously. throwaway words. hollow words. and it shall be.

ah well.

------------

a good amount of words resurfaced again in my head. the gist of it being, 'I wouldve relished having the blood and flesh of a useless eurasian slut on my knuckles sprawled nearly unconscious on the landing of my stairs, while your drama craving face looked on in horror'. and that is exactly the reason you brought her along, to see violence, the violent side of a person you wanted to see, to finally manipulate that person to its logical emotional fulfillment. that is why you held me back, thinking i was about to do SOMETHING. when in fact i needed to go out of my room to the toilet. (how anticlimatic right)

i still cant get over the fact that I CANT get over the fact that it is perplexing TO ME that THERE ARE people out there who are the compounds of Emotional Stupidity & Emotional Selfishness. The underlying current being some supposed responsibility to self to stay true to selfs own true nature, to free oneself (of society's shackles and conditioning and the religious grip etc etc), to realize one's own liberty, at the cost of everyone else's liberty. one's freedom always ends at another's freedom.

and all this while i was focused well on work.

and yes, addicts will remain addicts, sluts will remain sluts, stupids will remains stupids, obsessives will remain obsessives, violentpersons will remain violentpersons ad infinitum.

the only way to actually get that image out fom my head is art, making private public, diluting the suppressed power of imagery. i have to paint it. I WILL paint it. what does it mean? nothing. it might mean that all the supposed modern primitive ideas of fulfilling one's basal instincts need not necessarily mean beheading your opponent OR going all out there to fuck each and every fucking pretty bauble that you fancy. vice is obviously overrated (well so is art). one should pick ones battles wisely (if one even subscribes to wisdom). in each and every person there is a potential to destroy, things, others, oneself, and that potential IS inborn, the supposed thanatos instinct as IS there the potential, the instinct to nurture and create. and between that is wisdom and or intelligence to choose and to transform.

'I wouldve relished having the blood and fleshface of a useless eurasian slut peeling from my knuckles sprawled nearly unconscious on the landing of my stairs, while your drama craving face looked on in horror',

and i breathe, deeply. repeat. rinse. repeat.

note to self: new digital paint series: "Little Imaginings : Violence"

------------

another new song last night/this morning (phenomenon). had the title and chorus lyrics since a while, but didnt have the melody nor verse, somehow just clicked. and wonderfully the traffic congestion this morning managed to feed me the second verse. potentially might need 3rd or 4th verse though. (ok ok, ill record the video(s) soon). Incidentally am performing at findars space soon!

Three Months

Verse

Set yourself to fail
You knew it wouldnt last
Your past foretold the end
And you let it come to pass

Chorus

This will amount to nothing
This has amounted to nothing
This will amount to nothing
This has amounted to nothing
This will amount to nothing
This has amounted to nothing

Verse

Your cycle starts anew
All of them they never knew
That their hopes were born to die
And what you could, you only cried

Chorus

This will amount to nothing
This has amounted to nothing
This will amount to nothing
This has amounted to nothing
You will have gained everything
But this will amount to nothing

Outro (unfinished....)

Live life with leaving you
Live life with leaving me
Live life with leaving everyone

------------

interestingly have forgotten her number. through some form of erasure or hypnosis, dont know how. before, have mistakenly called her when i wanted to call yandsen because their numbers are morphologically similar (or neurologically adjacent/subjacent/... in my brain), and just now was anxious that yandsens number which i remember (physiologically?physically?) was actually hers.

new song last night/this morning

Hope Cripples

Chorus

Dont think you ever will
Never thought, never hoped
You know you never would
Dont think you ever will
Never thought, never hoped
You know you never would

Bridge

Hope, more desperate than happiness
Yet the most beautiful petals fall around sadness

Verse (unfinished)

Hope etc etc

------------

TShirt: "(specific) Lesbians Hater"

TShirt: "(specific) Eurasian Hater"

TShirt: "(specific) Cheater Hater"

TShirt: "THE PROMISE : 3 MONTHS = MEMORABLE NONEXCLUSIVE DECEITFUL RELATIONSHIP" with "DECEIT" on back bottom hem

TShirt: "LIAR"

TShirt: "DECEIT"

RM15/each! S/M/L. white text on brown tshirt.

takers? email me.

------------

still a lot of bile left in me, even though ive over and over again felt disgusted, repulsed at myself, her, everything; and knew and felt i shouldnt have been writing on my stupid webbie (which had caused the rerearing of the disgust) and shouldve stopped/scrapped/.... nevertheless heres some/a/... non timestamped stream of consciousness bit of thing (all in recursive quotes and double quotes) .(this spurred on from stumbling on fmyl ife . com and grepping for cheaters (which was while having up till now now 3 hours non stop surfing starting from ma kezine and slashd and re ddit (and from about 30hours awake now (no, not a great mark (unhealthy still, yes) )) )). potentially taking my cue from fiona, i should go see a counsellor/shrink/quack/... myself. (hmm, another potential cliched song actually,... ). ah well, yes as fi asserts i should focus on more 'Positive' art, not "childish" art like said past flyer. though yes she validated to me that it was not an invasion of privacy at all, i just dont understand why people cant be honest and choose the correct words to portray their feelings instead of trying to hide behind law or technicality or trying to hinge on current/past political events regarding invaded privacy.

"At Least"

at least i felt guilty

at least i felt bad too

at least i felt hurt too

means im not a bad person after at all

at least i have cried

at least i have wanted to be friends

at least i have maintained being nice

means i still care a lot about you

at least i have wanted to see do things with you still

at least i have sent given you gifts

at least i have told you i missed loved thought dreamt of you still

means you can still fill up my life in between The life i have with her

at least i have not regretted anything that i had had with my 'silly uncommunicative ex-bf'

at least i still cherish our memories of everything we told each other all about ourselves with nothing to hide

at least i still want to see know hear from talk to you in the future

means i never cheated on you even though i didnt tell you everything

at least i have been communicative

at least i have been honest with myself

at least i have wanted to jaga your hati

means everything that i did was all for the best

even though

i had felt guilty, felt bad, felt hurt, have cried ...

at least...

(coda)

ok. no not really stream of consciousness, edit here* and there*, yes! really! anything under half hour is stream okay?

edit. hmm wanted to reedit, add, but forgotten ! DAMN

------------

daddy issues

lady tissues

tongues lying

lying bodies

words

turds

carbon dating

online dating

social intelligence

social stupidity

social ignorance

social awkwardness

social denial

emotional stupidity

emotional ignorance

emotional awkwardness

emotional denial

physical stupidity

physical ignorance

physical awkwardness

physical denial

obsession

recession

hairlines

baldspots

baldies

wigs with attached brains

wigs with attached brains and hearts

prosthetics

artificiality

new truth

new kneecaps

car accident

accidental life

meaninglessne

niceness

bleak

hole in the roof

rain through windows

tissue

atrophy

winners

old muscles

tearing organs

to each and every measure

------------

Disregard for the discreteness of all things (in light of the connectedness of all things)

I think my father fed me too much 'negative reinforcement'(? is that what you call it?) when i was a kid. Either that, or my biology/psychological makeup/... is already attuned to negative reinforcement. The fear and joy of having, letting someone completely in your life is that he she will consume you, you will let him her consume you, you will want love him her to consume you, and even then you will wonder, what the hell is this person thinking? what can he she see in me? (well thats what most pessimists would think anyways). Especially so for someone who has learnt to live with loathing him herself for the biggest part of his her life.

My hackoccult sucker face side wholly subscribes to the fullconnnectedness of things even 'before the internet', when the real Maggie and Reagen to me was what i saw splayed behind the bevelled 15" telly of our living room, in full latex glory, cut right after a skit of condoms condoms.

Connectedness and discreteness. (now how did the seven sentences in the two paragraphs even connect?)

One always makes the mistake, one extends and projects oneself to what rights one thinks one has, or what rights one carefully tries to delineate of the amorphous social, experiential space one occupies.

Too much words. Yet again, the hollowness of decoration, text, to try to rigidly set in stone like law that is misunderstood and unintuited. When what needs to be said is simple enough.

Nobody knows anybody. (discreteness)

Nobody belongs to anybody. (discreteness)

Everyone is alone. (discreteness)

Happiness is always your own. (discreteness)

Yet sharing is possible with choice. (connectedness)

Utter folly to hope that a person/not-self/... immediately can share your own hopes.

And utter folly to punish/reprimand/... a person/not-self/... the same way you would yourself for the same reasons you would yourself.

These are the same arguments* every kid makes/has made against his her parents, (more so those religiously bent families). "I dont want to be XXX!", "Those are not the things i want!", "I didnt do anything wrong!"

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